The Cracked-Up Ramblings of a Stoner Mind.

It's true. I admit it. I've done the one thing you're not suppose to do. You're suppose to say no but you do it anyways. But I did it right. I played it smart. I started out with family and worked my way outward without forgetting where it started. Some how though, I lost my way.
It's nice to have it back. I really have enjoyed it. I must say that there is nothing quite like it in the world when someone looses themself. You start to question everything and anything. The slightest thing makes you afraid. You find yourself not being able to speak, act or move. A river turned mute. Stuck in the corner with no way out.
Trapt. And, that is exactly what it felt like. I still can't believe it happened like that. I can't believe I experienced or even lived through that. I should've died. I should've screwed myself royally. Some how, I don't know how, survived.
So why now am I writing about this? If I have survived, I should be able to move on right? Well, yes you're absolutely right, and I am. The way I do it is by getting it all out and letting the truth be told. Maybe it's all the death around me that has opt me to do this now at this particularly moment, but eventually it would all have to come out. I would just rather the truth be told by my words and not some body else's. No experience the memory the same way as I did and no ever had the same exact thought processes as me either.

The cracked up ramblings of a stoner's mind.

love
hope
compassion
self control
intellectual
opened minded
grateful
adaptive
thoughtful


The Biblical Breakdown.

Man -> Earth->God
Woman -> Man -> Earth-> God
Jesus-> Woman-> Man->Earth -> God
" -> God.



The truth.

It's a complete mystery in our minds. No one person shall ever know the true meaning until the precise moment when every thing becomes clear. Giving us the opportunity to what has been right in front of us all along. The truth is love. The truth is fear. The truth is acceptance and adaptation. The truth is in you.



my soul is breaking, I don't know what it is.
i feel it caving. I don't know what to do.
which rock is stronger? How do I choose?
no, not you, maybe you?
i loved you once
i love you still.

met by chance
pushed by fate
the one I always wanted
the one I couldn't wait,
the one I thought I'd never have
love fills me in an embrace
i don't want to let go
please don't leave
i lived this life a thousand times
each time with you accidentally by my side

i don't know how
but i do know i will
i know I will always love you.

im sick
i dont want to be
but i am
help me
fight this
keep me going
i want to see my godson's 18th birthday
i want to experience a wedding day
i want to have a baby
every thing has changed
im sick
im alone
no else can worry
i don't want them to go before me
i'm sick
and i don't want to be....

But I am.

When it's good, it's good, and when it's this good, it's your's.

You know what I love about being me? I love the fact that I can be sitting here right now on my bathroom floor typing away listening to the music play inside my head. Yes, Ladies & Gentlemen, I can hear music in my head, and yes the music does have words. Though I know at some point in your own life you've experienced the joys of getting to hear music with no electronically instrument. I know I certainly do. =) Though, I'm not going to lie, I really wish I left my headset in my jacket cause I don't want to get up and get re-comfortable in my room. All that work will surely make me tired enough to say, forget about it. I'll remember tomorrow. As you can see I don't even believe myself with that one (the remembering tomorrow part =P ).

So, what else do I love about me? Hmm. I love the fact that I am still an enigma and really happy that I am no longer that to myself. That road was a fun one I don't want to ever visit again. Once was enough, thank you. =) How am I an enigma you wonder? Well for starters, do you know what I mean by enigma? If the answer is yes, it means mystery. I'm still a mystery. Lies & Heresies! lol (you exclaim!) No really, I know it's hard to believe but it's true. Ready? I'll prove it to you. There are a few things that perfectly define me, but the only one that truly, in my opinion really describes me, and that's ironic. The funny thing is before I ever realized that word was ultimately me, I loved that word. I used it even as a basis of a theme for my 7th grade english paper on irony, I believe I got an A. =)
Anyways, the one thing you can always truly predict me to be is ironic. Now, here comes the interesting part, how is that a mystery? Well to the truth be told the mystery is in the irony. In what way or fashion am I going to be ironic? There are thousands upon thousands of ways for me to be the opposite of a thought outcome.

So see? I am mysterious. A beautiful enigma wrapped in a pretty bow. Who wouldn't want me? I know I surely do! =P

How do I know that God loves me? Lighting Bugs.

Why lighting bugs? Well for starters, even as a kid no matter what I was feeling or what is going on, if I saw a lighting bug, I would smile.
At this moment for me, things aren't going so great. Sure things are pretty ok, but not as a good as they should be and it's been this way for a while, and what I found funny and amazing is that since I started to feel this way, I've seen nothing but lighting bugs every where. This is no exaggeration. I don't think I've experience this many lighting bugs in all of my existence.
I had first spotted one as usually whenever I am home, one or two flying in the backyard. Next, was pretty normal too, I saw them in the front yard. But then, one landed on me while in Pete's work van with the windows up. After that one randomly landed on me in my bedroom. There was also it seemed like a hundred of them all over the place no matter where I went. It was an amazing. Lately though, they have slowed down in numbers which sadden me slightly but they're still out there for me to smile at. I still laugh though, because even though they have slowed, even during my most scared of times one can be randomly found sitting on my wall in a place where all I have to do is look up and smile.
That's how I know God loves me.