I know why...

I'm sitting here... crying.. and I know why.
I'm crying because I have no hope left.
No hope for us in recovering what was lost in a matter of seconds.
How much can my heart take of constant aggression?
How much should I take?
Already in a fragile state,
already feeling the guillotine above my neck,
... the candle has already eaten 3/4 of the rope... it's about to fall.
Off my head.
Good-bye to my life.
Good-bye to my heart.

When I was young, I was told, there will be no one.
No one for me to grow old with.
I will be sorely disappointment and shattered by one in particular.
I was told, he would last the longest and he would hurt me the most.
No treachery would be played on his part, no deceit of any kind.
Mainly because it wasn't our time, and I could no longer hold on.
When I was young, I was already heart broken and the thought of being alone broke me even more.
I searched for years, and for years I was stuck on my first and suffocated those who were excellent potentials, full of intelligence, class, and experience. But my need to prove my path written by own hands wrong, I destroyed all that could've been.
So I let go....

Then I found him.
I said three years. I'm not too sure why.
Now as I sit, filled with sickly butterflies, I believe I know why...
In three months time, it'll be three years, and he is the 3rd man I have ever loved.
And, deep down, I have always known, that the third man, would be the last man who would make the prophesy true.
Perhaps it was my meddling. Maybe I shouldn't had known. Maybe I shouldn't have given him opportunities to correct himself, to make himself a better man. Maybe it is my fault.

Maybe... but maybe... it is what it is, and no matter how much I tried to steer him into being a man he would want his son to be, it wouldn't had matter in the end any way. I wasn't the woman meant to change him for the better. I wasn't his one and only. I am for the time being, his limbo and he is my savior from a life without him I couldn't have escaped.