I know why...

I'm sitting here... crying.. and I know why.
I'm crying because I have no hope left.
No hope for us in recovering what was lost in a matter of seconds.
How much can my heart take of constant aggression?
How much should I take?
Already in a fragile state,
already feeling the guillotine above my neck,
... the candle has already eaten 3/4 of the rope... it's about to fall.
Off my head.
Good-bye to my life.
Good-bye to my heart.

When I was young, I was told, there will be no one.
No one for me to grow old with.
I will be sorely disappointment and shattered by one in particular.
I was told, he would last the longest and he would hurt me the most.
No treachery would be played on his part, no deceit of any kind.
Mainly because it wasn't our time, and I could no longer hold on.
When I was young, I was already heart broken and the thought of being alone broke me even more.
I searched for years, and for years I was stuck on my first and suffocated those who were excellent potentials, full of intelligence, class, and experience. But my need to prove my path written by own hands wrong, I destroyed all that could've been.
So I let go....

Then I found him.
I said three years. I'm not too sure why.
Now as I sit, filled with sickly butterflies, I believe I know why...
In three months time, it'll be three years, and he is the 3rd man I have ever loved.
And, deep down, I have always known, that the third man, would be the last man who would make the prophesy true.
Perhaps it was my meddling. Maybe I shouldn't had known. Maybe I shouldn't have given him opportunities to correct himself, to make himself a better man. Maybe it is my fault.

Maybe... but maybe... it is what it is, and no matter how much I tried to steer him into being a man he would want his son to be, it wouldn't had matter in the end any way. I wasn't the woman meant to change him for the better. I wasn't his one and only. I am for the time being, his limbo and he is my savior from a life without him I couldn't have escaped.

Sitting here crying

I'm sitting here crying.
to the point of exhaustation yet I cannot sleep.
I'm sitting here crying.
But you do not weep.
I'm stting here crying.
trying to make sense of this world with no luck.

I searched a decade for you
and I knew since I started that I would loose you.
Filled with disappointments, I can't pick my body off the ground.
I'm leaving every thing now
Faith takes every thing from me with only visits left for the cementry.

And here I am, alone loosing a battle I had no right in fighting
all while you sleep.

Random Pictures...

Some random pictures from camera..... 2009

I don't want to die.

I really don't. I'm just constantly sick. First, I had a cancer scare for close to a year. That was fun. Now they're telling me I could have something wrong with my uterus. Since Novemeber I have had everything from bacterial infection to random fevers to nausua for 3 months straight. I even have cancer anti-nausua pills for that one. lol.

Seriously though, who wants to be sick? Though I'd rather on me then with other people who I care about. Maybe it's a sign of things to come so I should get on my ass and start taking care of me and not be so lazy about it. I let myself go --- seriously. It's time I brought it back-- better then ever this time around! I'm giving myself starting from birthday (my major projects are done then) and all the summer to get me back to me. I'm going to focus on that gym of mine and getting out more. Even my completion changed. I used to wear natural tan -- looked flawless couldn't tell I had it on.. Now pale almond does that for me --- PALE FRIGIN ALMOND. Sheesh. What does that tell you?

So, that's my plan. I figure whatever cancer comes back to bite me in the ass or any thing else God wishes to through at me I'll be ready phyiscally for it. Plus, I'd rather be able to say I did it then I should've or I wish I did.

This is the time to do it. As the song says, sometimes a second chance is the best thing. This is my second chance for myself. I wish me good luck lol.

"For the life of me, I cannot remember, what made us think we were wise and we'd never compromise..." -Verve Pipe, Freshman

I was going through my myspace account today, updating and changing things when I decided that I wanted to send a Hi comment to some of my friends. Being the lazy person that I am instead of going to their individual pages I went straight to my comments and starting to surf through and pick the people I'd say "hi" to. While I was doing this I learned that myspace keeps up to two years of comments which is awesome and second that I had some real random times with certain people back when I was college that I must say I do miss. I feel like after being home for two years that even those who live on the island with me I don't see that much. My life no longer revolves around school, friends, and feeding people and of course the green guy. Now my life revolves around teaching, night school, Pete, the gym and no little green guy. I kinda miss the days of Geneseo when I had a little bubble of my own to call home. I could do whatever I wanted with no care in the world with no need to worry about anyone but really myself. Now, it's a completely different story. I have to worry about my students, my family, my boyfriend, and a couple of my friends who I've kept close. I have to worry about myself too on top of all that, and I wonder why I gained the weight that I did. I've been stretch out too thin in terms of my needs but where can I do? Forget people and think about myself? Yeah right, for those of you who know me knows that that is impossible. I can't help think about people, even the ones who I haven't spoken to in years. My life is as complicated as ever and the only good thing that has come of it is having a 4.0 GPA for my masters program and a couple of friends who granted are MIA a lot but I least I know both of them are here on the island with me and I have a Pete. Granted, he is a pain in my ass and a lot of times I want to bitch slap him upside the head but if you take that away from the equation he does take good care of me and he does try at least not to be a butt head all the time.

However, even with that I still feel locked in a cage with my wings clipped since I've been home and I want to badly escape.

what to do

How do I make a decision here. I could weigh all the pro's and con's, but what happens if I come with an even number? Or worse, more con's? Really what am I to do?

There are two sides to every story, I know this better then any one.Bur how can I be in this situation and be the only one who can see both sides of the coin? Why should I be? Haven't I been through enough this year? Am I just suppose to keep going? What if I don't want to?

I'm tired of it all. I truly feel that no one, no one at all really cares. I surround myself with such selfish people and I'm the one who has to bend, I'm the one has to be forgiving and move on, I have to the be the understanding one. How about someone understanding me? How about seeing things from my perspective? How about .... I don't know. Loving me the way I deserve to be loved?

_____

I live every day in secret. I have a double life. I live the life every one else sees and the one that is truly going inside of me. Every day I worry about the disease that runs through my veins and every day I fear is another day closer to death. It's a constant struggle to keep myself on track, to achieve higher, to not deal with the truths that I need to be perfect or others will leave me and that death is coming. I have known both for a long time now. I have tried hard to ignore them but it's hard to and I can't any longer. I need to leave to avoid being left and death is down the road making it's way to my house, to my bedroom.

No one knows. But I do. I can feel it getting closer now. I have tempted fate because I tried to ignore it and enjoy life. My selfishness is going to cost me. Next month's test will tell me if I am still diseased and the results will be yes. Within weeks, I will under go other tests that will show the mutations and finally, dealing with the cancer growing inside me. And in that moment, I will be truly living a double life. Only I will know the truth because even those in the loop will not be in that one. Cancer is a battle one fights on their own and that's how it will be done.

So the only one question remains... should I make the loop that holds a few hold only me? =/

You hurt me =(

You really did.
And what's worst is I can't tell you because I know you won't hear me.
In one swooping moment my world was shattered by one shelfish act.
If only I was the selfish one. I would be able to step back, see the bigger picture,
truly assess what I have and decided on the right thing to do. Stay.

But the selfish act wasn't mine to make and I'm left here now with doubts and a pain in my chest and head that just won't quit.

I can't go back. Things now have forever changed. What I don't understand though is why is it with every one in my life at some point or another they allow others to take such control over them that I'm the one who gets shitted on. I'm the who runs to every one's call. I'm the one who stands by and is the pillar of strength needed, the voice of reason, the understanding one. I even dare, I say it, admire me at times. So why am I the one getting shitted on? Why does every thing fall onto me that force me to be in such pain and have no way of letting it out, outside of writing it down.

The answer is simple. I don't know why. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I know what it truly feels like to be alone. The truth is, a long time ago, I would actually cried myself asleep from the fear of being alone. So, now the question is, am I settling? Is this really what I want? Do I want to have to worry about being left behind? Or worse, being forced to walk away?

I don't know. I love him too much to let him go. So which way do I go? =(

Ever have the feeling that you were loosening yourself? That the fears you feared the most were on the brink of coming true and there was nothing that you can do to stop them?

That's how I felt this weekend. In one swooping moment, I lost it all. I lost my temper, I lost my love, I lost myself.

How did I get this far? I feel like every time I take two steps forward, I'm taking at least three steps back. If only I knew how to take more without loosing so many.

The answer: 1 step at a time.

Seriously. I'm always too busy trying to cut corners to get to my goal quicker but in the end, it's not about the steps you take that matter but the ones you didn't. It's those that come to bite you in the ass later.

Bull Crap

So I'm the one at fault. I'm the one who got Jodie heated in an agrument. I'm the one who should've known better. I'm the one who has to smarter next time. No one if in a heated discussion position at birds eye view can have preferial vision because they are too focused in a discussion.

Bull Crap.

One, I am not at fault. Two, he is not my child. Three, I don't care who started it, both of you's can shut up and walk away not just one of you's. Fourth, if I can have preferial vision in a heated argument even in a serve emotional state when the baby is around, then any one can and it's pure pull crap to sit here and point the finger at me.

Memories

My Best Birthday

I turned 23. You were expecting 5, right? Well, I'm sorry, but you'd be wrong. Mine was lucky old number 23. Why 23? Well, for starters I was finally over being 22 and old, and now I got to be 23 and older, whew I thought I was going to have deal with the rest of my life saying I was "22 and old". =P

The day though was perfect, it really didn't matter how old I was turning. It was a Friday, my birthday weekend; and the weekend started with a beautiful sky and warm shockingly for Geneseo. I wore a black cute tank top and white skirt. Yes, a WHITE Skirt. Emphasis on the white and most defintely the skirt. No one has ever known me to ever do that unless I felt really, really good, and looked really really hot. I even straighten my hair for the occasion. I look great and no one recognized me at first, which is always amazing. I love it when that happens. I had even my closet male friends saying I looked goood. lol.

So after my one class of the day, I headed over to Pete's to meet up with every body. I loved my brothers because when I got there, there were 'presents' glore and a little party going on in my celebration. During this time Meredith and I were close and she had come up for my birthday. She suprised me with flowers and it was great. That night we had an open in my honor =)

Saturday was very good, though I had to bring Meredith to the airport which I wished at the time should would've been able to stay longer. Stupid air plane ticket. Though it did give me and Becky some lovely quality time together. =) That evening I went to a benefit gathering that Pete was doing for class followed by good times at the Crow House. The only clitch was getting my period right as we got back to the house. Thank God Emily at the time was living with Pete so I was saved. The party was pretty good though I did what I was accustomed to doing that year; hang out with Pete, Vince and Emily, Jimmy and one random person (from Crows- non crows). I loved it when life comprised of that. Though that night we all got together outside in front of a lovely fire that Pete and Vince built. We watched a So, needless to say I slept over, I didn't feel like walking back to the dorm. I wanted to be lazy =P

Sunday, was the greatest! This was the ultimate reason why number 23 will go down in the history books. When I awoke I was greeted so nicely. I was made comfortable on my couch that I had slept on, and was given the remote. For the entire day I got to relax while I had my period with one of pete's pillows and my favorite blanket I stole from Aaron (unintentionally, a totally different story), watching whatever I wanted in Pete's room. It was great! And where was Pete, Vince, Jimmy, Emily, and a few of the other brother's? They were all in the living room watching what they wanted to watch while Pete brewed me some special tea he had been creating for months for my birthday. And here is the kicker, after it was ready to drink, it was served to me with a little honey, and every body came into Pete's room to hang out with me while we drank the tea and watched Neverland starring Johnny Depp. Now that is an awesome birthday! Who could beat being served on and encourage to just relax and watch your favorite birthday present with 5 guys and of course one girfriend (not mine, Pete's) all while drinking tea with them. =)

That was a great birhtday. I must say =)

My Snuggle Buddies


God, I miss them! They were simple awesome! Seriously. These were the people no matter when you saw them they were sweet and whenever you were down they let you lean on them, literally. I have to say I did have a lot of snuggle buddies but I swear if you lay or sit with them and snuggled, omg, it was simply lovely. I would feel ten times better no matter what it was. My snuggle buddies loved me and they let me snuggle on them whenever I wanted. =) I love my snuggle buddies. =)



~My Snuggle Buddies~

Bobby
Becky
Andrea
Chewy
Alyssa
Michelle
Rowena
Andy
Pete
Vince
Powers
Dave
Erica
Greg
Kristy
Tommy
Ryan
Gabby
Vivian
Laurie
Carrie
Sammy
Andy
Townsen
Tim
Timmy
Smiley
Holly
Mego
Wemson
Sarah
Banana
Wendy
K-Hoff
JIll
*Jesse
Brian*
Pat
Bj
Aaron
Mr. Peek
Jeff
Chris
Birthday Sharers
Evil Twin
Brendan
Booty
Monkey
Little
Julie
Beth
Kris Kris
Marty
Brendon
Chuck
Jones Boys


more to come.....maybe =





lol.





__
It's the little things I notice.

Accidents Happen

Some people would say "they hate to say this" but the truth is accidents happen. That's what life is all about. If we were to know what was going to happen we'd call it literature. Though the two have been known to follow the other.
Anyway you slice it though, there is a lot going on that we don't know even in our most sacred and intimate lives, something will always go a skew. Why? What's the point? How come I have to be better the rest and know more? Is there really some reason to go through all that?
For me, my answer is yes. I think certain aspects of our lives happen in order for us to deal with what's to come as well as believe that in order to understand is a capability of growing and aspiring into something more grander then any possible design originally imagined. In terms of the literally sense of living each pain, suffering, and heartache is complete bullshit. I'd most definitely would prefer a much more peaceful life. Unfortunately though, without all that pain and suffering we wouldn't be human. The one difference that separates us from other mammals and creatures in general, is our capability to experience these things. No creature other than human needs to survive on it. All they need is food, shelter, and for some a communal environment. The actual experience(s) is uniquely to humans. Gotta love being us. =)



_____________________________________________________________





Short Stories


Hmm....short story... short story. You know, I need some inspiration. I can't write a short story without some inspiration. Do you have some music playing? What are you thinking?
I'm thinking yes and maybe no. I'm not too sure. I'm just guessing here. But short story... short story. Would you like it about life, beauty or love? How about none of the above and take something a little more daring? I bet you would like that. Hmm...
I got it. There was once this bullfrog who loved to drink wine. He always had some very mighty fine wine. *smile* No? Heard that one before? I know. There is a song with that same story. I never said I wrote original.
Irony anybody?
So, how long should the story be? Short can mean many different things to different people. This here could be considered short. Longer better. How about the story itself? Should it be a traditional story with a beginning, climax, and ending, with a simple theme? Or, could I go any way I become inspired? Letting the words just flow straight through me, surprisingly making some what sense or better yet, hide it in a garble of words. Enigma! Genius! I got it! Ready?!
. . . . Lost it. So close. Hmm... short story....short story.

A heart of gold But it lost *its* pride Beautiful veins And bloodshot eyes I see your face In another light Why'd you have to go And let it die Why'd you have to go And let it die Why'd you have to go And let it die In too deep And out of time Why'd you have to go And let it die A simple man And his blushing bride (Why'd you have to go And let it die) Intravenous Intertwined (Why'd you have to go And let it die) Hearts gone cold Your hands were tied (Why'd you have to go And let it die) Why'd you have to go And let it die (Why'd you have to go And let it die) Why'd you have to go And let it die In too deep And out of time Why'd you have to go And let it die Do you ever think of me You're so considerate Did you ever think of me Oh so considerate In too deep And lost in time Why'd you have to go And let it die Beautiful veins And bloodshot eyes Why'd you have to go And let it die Hearts gone cold And hands are tied Why'd you have to go And let it die Why'd you have to go And let it die Do you ever think of me You're so considerate Did you ever think of me Oh so considerate In too deep And lost in time Why'd you have to go And let it die Beautiful veins And bloodshot eyes Why'd you have to go And let it die Hearts gone cold And hands are tied Why'd you have to go And let it die.....

The Cracked-Up Ramblings of a Stoner Mind.

It's true. I admit it. I've done the one thing you're not suppose to do. You're suppose to say no but you do it anyways. But I did it right. I played it smart. I started out with family and worked my way outward without forgetting where it started. Some how though, I lost my way.
It's nice to have it back. I really have enjoyed it. I must say that there is nothing quite like it in the world when someone looses themself. You start to question everything and anything. The slightest thing makes you afraid. You find yourself not being able to speak, act or move. A river turned mute. Stuck in the corner with no way out.
Trapt. And, that is exactly what it felt like. I still can't believe it happened like that. I can't believe I experienced or even lived through that. I should've died. I should've screwed myself royally. Some how, I don't know how, survived.
So why now am I writing about this? If I have survived, I should be able to move on right? Well, yes you're absolutely right, and I am. The way I do it is by getting it all out and letting the truth be told. Maybe it's all the death around me that has opt me to do this now at this particularly moment, but eventually it would all have to come out. I would just rather the truth be told by my words and not some body else's. No experience the memory the same way as I did and no ever had the same exact thought processes as me either.

The cracked up ramblings of a stoner's mind.

love
hope
compassion
self control
intellectual
opened minded
grateful
adaptive
thoughtful


The Biblical Breakdown.

Man -> Earth->God
Woman -> Man -> Earth-> God
Jesus-> Woman-> Man->Earth -> God
" -> God.



The truth.

It's a complete mystery in our minds. No one person shall ever know the true meaning until the precise moment when every thing becomes clear. Giving us the opportunity to what has been right in front of us all along. The truth is love. The truth is fear. The truth is acceptance and adaptation. The truth is in you.



my soul is breaking, I don't know what it is.
i feel it caving. I don't know what to do.
which rock is stronger? How do I choose?
no, not you, maybe you?
i loved you once
i love you still.

met by chance
pushed by fate
the one I always wanted
the one I couldn't wait,
the one I thought I'd never have
love fills me in an embrace
i don't want to let go
please don't leave
i lived this life a thousand times
each time with you accidentally by my side

i don't know how
but i do know i will
i know I will always love you.

im sick
i dont want to be
but i am
help me
fight this
keep me going
i want to see my godson's 18th birthday
i want to experience a wedding day
i want to have a baby
every thing has changed
im sick
im alone
no else can worry
i don't want them to go before me
i'm sick
and i don't want to be....

But I am.

When it's good, it's good, and when it's this good, it's your's.

You know what I love about being me? I love the fact that I can be sitting here right now on my bathroom floor typing away listening to the music play inside my head. Yes, Ladies & Gentlemen, I can hear music in my head, and yes the music does have words. Though I know at some point in your own life you've experienced the joys of getting to hear music with no electronically instrument. I know I certainly do. =) Though, I'm not going to lie, I really wish I left my headset in my jacket cause I don't want to get up and get re-comfortable in my room. All that work will surely make me tired enough to say, forget about it. I'll remember tomorrow. As you can see I don't even believe myself with that one (the remembering tomorrow part =P ).

So, what else do I love about me? Hmm. I love the fact that I am still an enigma and really happy that I am no longer that to myself. That road was a fun one I don't want to ever visit again. Once was enough, thank you. =) How am I an enigma you wonder? Well for starters, do you know what I mean by enigma? If the answer is yes, it means mystery. I'm still a mystery. Lies & Heresies! lol (you exclaim!) No really, I know it's hard to believe but it's true. Ready? I'll prove it to you. There are a few things that perfectly define me, but the only one that truly, in my opinion really describes me, and that's ironic. The funny thing is before I ever realized that word was ultimately me, I loved that word. I used it even as a basis of a theme for my 7th grade english paper on irony, I believe I got an A. =)
Anyways, the one thing you can always truly predict me to be is ironic. Now, here comes the interesting part, how is that a mystery? Well to the truth be told the mystery is in the irony. In what way or fashion am I going to be ironic? There are thousands upon thousands of ways for me to be the opposite of a thought outcome.

So see? I am mysterious. A beautiful enigma wrapped in a pretty bow. Who wouldn't want me? I know I surely do! =P

How do I know that God loves me? Lighting Bugs.

Why lighting bugs? Well for starters, even as a kid no matter what I was feeling or what is going on, if I saw a lighting bug, I would smile.
At this moment for me, things aren't going so great. Sure things are pretty ok, but not as a good as they should be and it's been this way for a while, and what I found funny and amazing is that since I started to feel this way, I've seen nothing but lighting bugs every where. This is no exaggeration. I don't think I've experience this many lighting bugs in all of my existence.
I had first spotted one as usually whenever I am home, one or two flying in the backyard. Next, was pretty normal too, I saw them in the front yard. But then, one landed on me while in Pete's work van with the windows up. After that one randomly landed on me in my bedroom. There was also it seemed like a hundred of them all over the place no matter where I went. It was an amazing. Lately though, they have slowed down in numbers which sadden me slightly but they're still out there for me to smile at. I still laugh though, because even though they have slowed, even during my most scared of times one can be randomly found sitting on my wall in a place where all I have to do is look up and smile.
That's how I know God loves me.

Good Times, Good Times.

The last weekend I went to Mariella's 3rd Birthday party. This is the first time I've seen my "niece" since she was born really. Her mother, Jen Bigelow, I haven't seen in a while though we've been friends for close to a decade. You know what I love most about my old friends is that no matter how long time has disappeared, when I reunite with them it's like I never left. Sure things are different but the original love and frienship is still there. It was wonderful to say the least. And nothing in the world could do a day spent with Jen justice then pictures! LoL, enjoy!

Fucker

I miss my fucker,
She was such a spit
I miss my fucker,
If you knew her,
You would too.
She'll make you laugh
Pee right through your pants
Oh God, I miss my fucker
I really do.
We used to laugh
We used to sing
Hell, we even used to ....

My fucker was the best,
She used to watch me eat
Not mind when my mind went a drift
Found humor in my injuries
Oh she was such a fucker.

Fucker.

=P