Where to Begin, Where to Start?

I’m playing cat and mouse. Who am I?
I can be killer, a stalker, make some one else my prey. I can be skillful and charismatic. If I wanted to I could land on my two feet. If made to, I could survive.
I can also be timid. Unsure of which way to go. Make myself small enough to fit under any door, nook, or corner. I am a pacifist. I rather not deal and some what keep peace even if that means I have to run away.
Where to begin? Where to start?
I’m tired of cycles and circles alike. The metaphor makes no sense unless we are constantly coming back. We don’t. We leave these half useless bodies behind for others to bury and then? Some say Heaven, others say Hell, most say no where and the last say peace (hopefully). If we’re lucky, we could come back but not as ourselves but as flowers and plants or someone else in a different family, so what good is that? Where’s the circle now?
"We live in circles, if someone leaves it doesn’t mean they won’t come back some where else the circle touches" We live more like triangles and squares. Once you’ve gone too far, you’ve fallen off the path and the circle metaphor can no longer hold you. There are no colliding back lines, there is no transitional angles to fall back on. With our minds it is possible to go back, however life will forever push us forward.
Where to start? When to go?
Is it my time now? Can I go home? I’m tired and drained. I can barely see what is true or false any more. My young body is capable of moving on but my soul, my very old soul, is so very tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand what is going on. Tired of trying to figure out the truth behind people’s actions, and letting go of a past that used to mean so much. I have seen the future a multitude of times and though I know my path is right, what I’ll be lacking in the end I don’t want to face. If only I could go back and change things, but life has it’s quirky sense of humor: Take a glimpse into the future but never know if it is the one that is coming around the corner or ages later.
Life, I hate your jokes.

And with that sentiment, I will stay on my fence and try to decide if I am the one who hides or the one who stays and fights

I don't know why

I'm sad and I don't know why.
I'm angry and I don't know why
I'm upset, cold, and alone, and I don't know why.

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Which neuron stopped firing that makes it so my feelings and emotions are so scattered? Am I crazy? I think I am.

I want to die. I want to crawl into a little ball and cry into a black oblivion. I want to just forget and be buried beneath my own betrayal of myself.

=(

Tired

I'm very tired lately. I don't know why. I just want a break from it all and just enjoy life. I have just one this time around and I would like finally enjoy it for all it's glory. So what do I do? First, start caring more about me and less about not caring. I have to realize the truth that my body I have now will be the last body I have for a long time and if I want to look like how I am suppose to look I need to start now and not just wait and putting it off. I need to start now. Not in a few days times.

I have the strength and the capacity to do it. Why don't I? I don't know. I want it, I want it so bad but something keeps making it that I don't. What is holding me back? Why can't I just do what I'm capable of. Proving that my actions are as strong as my words. I have what I want at this point in my life. All I need is the health to go forward and the pride that I did this myself.

1st love

For all the lies you ever told me,
For all the tears you ever caused,
For all the nights left so lonely,
For all the days left waiting.

You were my first, and my long forgotten one.
You were the one who stole my heart, the one who in ever aspect was false.
You had the look, you had the hair, you had the attidude, the hands.
but...
you weren't him.

I thought it was you in my dreams,
I thought it was you who was holding me tight
with your arms that felt so right.
But it was all nothing but a lie.
I shouldn've waited, should've realized then that I was mistaken
you were only a mere reflection of resemblence of him.
And how do I know?
Because I have found him and I've never once compared him to you.

Sick =(

Well I had this entire week off and how did I spend it? Sick. First I had a sore throat and that has gone away almost completely though I still feel tired. Now, though, I have a stomach bug now. I can barely keep my ginger ale down and I don't mean it's coming back puking either.... ewww... so that is fun. I think it's a combination of what was left in my system from the Alli program I was on just prior to when I got sick. I guess it was still in my system I didn't know it but now it's reeking havoc on my digestive system and well making me go to the bathroom a lot! I guess in a way it's good but still I'm not liking the fact that I'm afraid to get out of bed. I just hope this goes away by Monday morning (that's when school starts again).


blah

I'm losing my friends and I don't know why

I'm losing my friends, and I don't know why.
They were here a second ago,
and now,
now, I don't know where they are.

I'm laying here alone in my room wondering where was it that I went wrong
When did I make the mistake that made them go away?
When did I decide to be alone? Captive in this room away from the world?

I don't remember choosing, I don't remember anything.
Where should I go from here? What should I do?
I wish I had my friends back to guide me, to bring back security.

People Suck

As I sit here watching one of my favorite movies, I find myself not being able to enjoy it as much as I normally do. Why? Well, for many reasons. One, in the midst of taking a nap, I get screamed at to wake up. For dinner, every thing is my favorite but I cannot eat a thing because I gave it up for lent, and yet they tell me to eat. I go away to get a way, I play on my computer, I turn off my computer and I get yelled at for doing it. I snap back because there is no reason to be snapped at and I feel as if I am forced to starve because though people did try, it is still lent and no one listens to me. So, in simple terms I'm cranky and I don't like being treated the way I was in the past few hours of my life. People just simply in no other better expression, suck.