Today was my sister's suprise birthday party and I must say it was a success! I actually surpised Jodie which is very, very hard to do. =P Yay!
Today was a good day. I'll post some photos of the day later on. Right now I'm goin to go check on my napping hubby. =P
Happy Birthday Jodie!!!!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Moving on...
Life has a way of moving on. No matter how hard you try to stop it, slow it down, even turn it around, it moves on.
So many of my friends are getting married, having babies, and moving away. Some make it feel as if they are moving away from me by their own choice, why? I feel lonely and afraid. And though I can do the whole "alone" thing pretty well, I am still terrified of it. But really, am I alone? Or has life just moved on with me digging my heals into the sand?
A month or so ago I was given a call that didn't help my mental state. It started out as "Well everything showed normal ....but....." and well, after the but let's just say I've been slowly trying to suppress it every since. And not only did I want to suppress it, I tried everything in my power to regain some form of balance in my life. I wanted to see my friends, the ones who helped me through the most hardest times in my life in hope they could bring me some sanity and inner joy, but only one heard my cry while others ignored it, chosen to or not, I'll probably never know.
How am I now though? Ok, I guess. I keep myself pretty busy in order to forget it and once my body and mind get tired of running away and physically making myself push harder to please every one around me, I become so increasingly cranky. I snap, I cry for no reason, I vent to myself and to nature because no one else has the time to hear me. No one else. I don't blame them though. Their lives have moved on past me. And I am soo PROUD of them in ways I wish I could only express to their faces but once again, life has made it impossible.
Gotta love life.
So many of my friends are getting married, having babies, and moving away. Some make it feel as if they are moving away from me by their own choice, why? I feel lonely and afraid. And though I can do the whole "alone" thing pretty well, I am still terrified of it. But really, am I alone? Or has life just moved on with me digging my heals into the sand?
A month or so ago I was given a call that didn't help my mental state. It started out as "Well everything showed normal ....but....." and well, after the but let's just say I've been slowly trying to suppress it every since. And not only did I want to suppress it, I tried everything in my power to regain some form of balance in my life. I wanted to see my friends, the ones who helped me through the most hardest times in my life in hope they could bring me some sanity and inner joy, but only one heard my cry while others ignored it, chosen to or not, I'll probably never know.
How am I now though? Ok, I guess. I keep myself pretty busy in order to forget it and once my body and mind get tired of running away and physically making myself push harder to please every one around me, I become so increasingly cranky. I snap, I cry for no reason, I vent to myself and to nature because no one else has the time to hear me. No one else. I don't blame them though. Their lives have moved on past me. And I am soo PROUD of them in ways I wish I could only express to their faces but once again, life has made it impossible.
Gotta love life.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sad
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m sad. I have all these things swimming inside my head and no where to pour them out. I feel abandon and lost. I’m scared and I want to collapse. I want to shed this body and start over again. Maybe then I’d get it right. Maybe then I won’t some how loose my friends, maybe then I can warn others so that their lives aren’t shorten. I only have so much life inside, only so much strength to fight. I’m loosing the battle. Holding on to whatever is left inside. The tears that stream down my face are ones of defeat. I am defeated. But there is no bottom to this black hole. There is nothing but a hollow emptiness from a life I cannot change.
Where to Begin, Where to Start?
I’m playing cat and mouse. Who am I?
I can be killer, a stalker, make some one else my prey. I can be skillful and charismatic. If I wanted to I could land on my two feet. If made to, I could survive.
I can also be timid. Unsure of which way to go. Make myself small enough to fit under any door, nook, or corner. I am a pacifist. I rather not deal and some what keep peace even if that means I have to run away.
Where to begin? Where to start?
I’m tired of cycles and circles alike. The metaphor makes no sense unless we are constantly coming back. We don’t. We leave these half useless bodies behind for others to bury and then? Some say Heaven, others say Hell, most say no where and the last say peace (hopefully). If we’re lucky, we could come back but not as ourselves but as flowers and plants or someone else in a different family, so what good is that? Where’s the circle now?
"We live in circles, if someone leaves it doesn’t mean they won’t come back some where else the circle touches" We live more like triangles and squares. Once you’ve gone too far, you’ve fallen off the path and the circle metaphor can no longer hold you. There are no colliding back lines, there is no transitional angles to fall back on. With our minds it is possible to go back, however life will forever push us forward.
Where to start? When to go?
Is it my time now? Can I go home? I’m tired and drained. I can barely see what is true or false any more. My young body is capable of moving on but my soul, my very old soul, is so very tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand what is going on. Tired of trying to figure out the truth behind people’s actions, and letting go of a past that used to mean so much. I have seen the future a multitude of times and though I know my path is right, what I’ll be lacking in the end I don’t want to face. If only I could go back and change things, but life has it’s quirky sense of humor: Take a glimpse into the future but never know if it is the one that is coming around the corner or ages later.
Life, I hate your jokes.
And with that sentiment, I will stay on my fence and try to decide if I am the one who hides or the one who stays and fights
I can be killer, a stalker, make some one else my prey. I can be skillful and charismatic. If I wanted to I could land on my two feet. If made to, I could survive.
I can also be timid. Unsure of which way to go. Make myself small enough to fit under any door, nook, or corner. I am a pacifist. I rather not deal and some what keep peace even if that means I have to run away.
Where to begin? Where to start?
I’m tired of cycles and circles alike. The metaphor makes no sense unless we are constantly coming back. We don’t. We leave these half useless bodies behind for others to bury and then? Some say Heaven, others say Hell, most say no where and the last say peace (hopefully). If we’re lucky, we could come back but not as ourselves but as flowers and plants or someone else in a different family, so what good is that? Where’s the circle now?
"We live in circles, if someone leaves it doesn’t mean they won’t come back some where else the circle touches" We live more like triangles and squares. Once you’ve gone too far, you’ve fallen off the path and the circle metaphor can no longer hold you. There are no colliding back lines, there is no transitional angles to fall back on. With our minds it is possible to go back, however life will forever push us forward.
Where to start? When to go?
Is it my time now? Can I go home? I’m tired and drained. I can barely see what is true or false any more. My young body is capable of moving on but my soul, my very old soul, is so very tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand what is going on. Tired of trying to figure out the truth behind people’s actions, and letting go of a past that used to mean so much. I have seen the future a multitude of times and though I know my path is right, what I’ll be lacking in the end I don’t want to face. If only I could go back and change things, but life has it’s quirky sense of humor: Take a glimpse into the future but never know if it is the one that is coming around the corner or ages later.
Life, I hate your jokes.
And with that sentiment, I will stay on my fence and try to decide if I am the one who hides or the one who stays and fights
Sunday, April 6, 2008
I don't know why
I'm sad and I don't know why.
I'm angry and I don't know why
I'm upset, cold, and alone, and I don't know why.
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Which neuron stopped firing that makes it so my feelings and emotions are so scattered? Am I crazy? I think I am.
I want to die. I want to crawl into a little ball and cry into a black oblivion. I want to just forget and be buried beneath my own betrayal of myself.
=(
I'm angry and I don't know why
I'm upset, cold, and alone, and I don't know why.
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Which neuron stopped firing that makes it so my feelings and emotions are so scattered? Am I crazy? I think I am.
I want to die. I want to crawl into a little ball and cry into a black oblivion. I want to just forget and be buried beneath my own betrayal of myself.
=(
Monday, March 24, 2008
Tired
I'm very tired lately. I don't know why. I just want a break from it all and just enjoy life. I have just one this time around and I would like finally enjoy it for all it's glory. So what do I do? First, start caring more about me and less about not caring. I have to realize the truth that my body I have now will be the last body I have for a long time and if I want to look like how I am suppose to look I need to start now and not just wait and putting it off. I need to start now. Not in a few days times.
I have the strength and the capacity to do it. Why don't I? I don't know. I want it, I want it so bad but something keeps making it that I don't. What is holding me back? Why can't I just do what I'm capable of. Proving that my actions are as strong as my words. I have what I want at this point in my life. All I need is the health to go forward and the pride that I did this myself.
I have the strength and the capacity to do it. Why don't I? I don't know. I want it, I want it so bad but something keeps making it that I don't. What is holding me back? Why can't I just do what I'm capable of. Proving that my actions are as strong as my words. I have what I want at this point in my life. All I need is the health to go forward and the pride that I did this myself.
1st love
For all the lies you ever told me,
For all the tears you ever caused,
For all the nights left so lonely,
For all the days left waiting.
You were my first, and my long forgotten one.
You were the one who stole my heart, the one who in ever aspect was false.
You had the look, you had the hair, you had the attidude, the hands.
but...
you weren't him.
I thought it was you in my dreams,
I thought it was you who was holding me tight
with your arms that felt so right.
But it was all nothing but a lie.
I shouldn've waited, should've realized then that I was mistaken
you were only a mere reflection of resemblence of him.
And how do I know?
Because I have found him and I've never once compared him to you.
For all the tears you ever caused,
For all the nights left so lonely,
For all the days left waiting.
You were my first, and my long forgotten one.
You were the one who stole my heart, the one who in ever aspect was false.
You had the look, you had the hair, you had the attidude, the hands.
but...
you weren't him.
I thought it was you in my dreams,
I thought it was you who was holding me tight
with your arms that felt so right.
But it was all nothing but a lie.
I shouldn've waited, should've realized then that I was mistaken
you were only a mere reflection of resemblence of him.
And how do I know?
Because I have found him and I've never once compared him to you.
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