Friends?

I feel like we're not any more. There are so many things going on that I'm no longer apart of. I try to be available, I try to be understanding but I feel like it's just me here. Our friendship seems to be null and void. I was cut out like the unwanted fat from a piece of meat, or tofu you decided was no longer good for you.

But is it just the scenary? Am I going into this too deep. A part of me says yes, but a part of me says no.

So, my only question left is, are we still friends?

Today was a good day....

Well, today was a pretty good day. I worked with autistic students today which is always fun bc you can be playful and silly with them and not so serious as you have to be with the regular kids. I also got to chaperon a baseball game that we won, very cool... I made 104 for two hours of watching a game and having some of students "tease me" in front of the principal, who stuck up for me, lol.

When I came home I found out that the personnel office has been trying to get a hold of me. I guess they sent me a letter about something and since they had the wrong town it got sent back to them. They thought I moved, lol. But they didn't ask for me to call them back instead they are resending the letter. I'm hoping it's about the night school application I put in and hopefully it will say something along the lines of "thank you for your interest and we really appreciate it, if in the Fall we do entertain a night school program you will be on our list of teachers" =D I also applied for Regents Review so I hope it has something to do with that too (in a positive sense) If it's about both and it's not in the positive sense, it's ok. At least I can say I tried and next year I'll put in for it again and hope with two years of teaching experience under my belt that I'll get the position. =)


Oh well, either way I'm in a great mood today. I'm off to the gym to regain my mental state of getting in shape. A two hour long session is going to be rough today after not going for the past few days but I think I'll manage. =)

YaY Happy Days. =)

Happy 30th Birthday Jodie =)

Today was my sister's suprise birthday party and I must say it was a success! I actually surpised Jodie which is very, very hard to do. =P Yay!

Today was a good day. I'll post some photos of the day later on. Right now I'm goin to go check on my napping hubby. =P

Happy Birthday Jodie!!!!

Moving on...

Life has a way of moving on. No matter how hard you try to stop it, slow it down, even turn it around, it moves on.

So many of my friends are getting married, having babies, and moving away. Some make it feel as if they are moving away from me by their own choice, why? I feel lonely and afraid. And though I can do the whole "alone" thing pretty well, I am still terrified of it. But really, am I alone? Or has life just moved on with me digging my heals into the sand?

A month or so ago I was given a call that didn't help my mental state. It started out as "Well everything showed normal ....but....." and well, after the but let's just say I've been slowly trying to suppress it every since. And not only did I want to suppress it, I tried everything in my power to regain some form of balance in my life. I wanted to see my friends, the ones who helped me through the most hardest times in my life in hope they could bring me some sanity and inner joy, but only one heard my cry while others ignored it, chosen to or not, I'll probably never know.

How am I now though? Ok, I guess. I keep myself pretty busy in order to forget it and once my body and mind get tired of running away and physically making myself push harder to please every one around me, I become so increasingly cranky. I snap, I cry for no reason, I vent to myself and to nature because no one else has the time to hear me. No one else. I don't blame them though. Their lives have moved on past me. And I am soo PROUD of them in ways I wish I could only express to their faces but once again, life has made it impossible.

Gotta love life.

Sad

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m sad. I have all these things swimming inside my head and no where to pour them out. I feel abandon and lost. I’m scared and I want to collapse. I want to shed this body and start over again. Maybe then I’d get it right. Maybe then I won’t some how loose my friends, maybe then I can warn others so that their lives aren’t shorten. I only have so much life inside, only so much strength to fight. I’m loosing the battle. Holding on to whatever is left inside. The tears that stream down my face are ones of defeat. I am defeated. But there is no bottom to this black hole. There is nothing but a hollow emptiness from a life I cannot change.

Where to Begin, Where to Start?

I’m playing cat and mouse. Who am I?
I can be killer, a stalker, make some one else my prey. I can be skillful and charismatic. If I wanted to I could land on my two feet. If made to, I could survive.
I can also be timid. Unsure of which way to go. Make myself small enough to fit under any door, nook, or corner. I am a pacifist. I rather not deal and some what keep peace even if that means I have to run away.
Where to begin? Where to start?
I’m tired of cycles and circles alike. The metaphor makes no sense unless we are constantly coming back. We don’t. We leave these half useless bodies behind for others to bury and then? Some say Heaven, others say Hell, most say no where and the last say peace (hopefully). If we’re lucky, we could come back but not as ourselves but as flowers and plants or someone else in a different family, so what good is that? Where’s the circle now?
"We live in circles, if someone leaves it doesn’t mean they won’t come back some where else the circle touches" We live more like triangles and squares. Once you’ve gone too far, you’ve fallen off the path and the circle metaphor can no longer hold you. There are no colliding back lines, there is no transitional angles to fall back on. With our minds it is possible to go back, however life will forever push us forward.
Where to start? When to go?
Is it my time now? Can I go home? I’m tired and drained. I can barely see what is true or false any more. My young body is capable of moving on but my soul, my very old soul, is so very tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand what is going on. Tired of trying to figure out the truth behind people’s actions, and letting go of a past that used to mean so much. I have seen the future a multitude of times and though I know my path is right, what I’ll be lacking in the end I don’t want to face. If only I could go back and change things, but life has it’s quirky sense of humor: Take a glimpse into the future but never know if it is the one that is coming around the corner or ages later.
Life, I hate your jokes.

And with that sentiment, I will stay on my fence and try to decide if I am the one who hides or the one who stays and fights

I don't know why

I'm sad and I don't know why.
I'm angry and I don't know why
I'm upset, cold, and alone, and I don't know why.

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Which neuron stopped firing that makes it so my feelings and emotions are so scattered? Am I crazy? I think I am.

I want to die. I want to crawl into a little ball and cry into a black oblivion. I want to just forget and be buried beneath my own betrayal of myself.

=(