No more talking

I'm done.
Talking that is.
What's the point really?
You're just going to sit there and stare, give an occasional nod
But are you listening?
No

I speak but you don't hear me
walking away, though telling me you care
I'm done
Talking.

Every time I try to say what I feel
what's on my mind,
why I get upset,
why I feel angry
why I feel lonely (at times)
meaningless to you
empty and hollow my voice
The echos linger for only me to follow
What's the point of that?
I already know what I've said.
That's why I'm done.

Shh.

So what to do?

What to write?

Those are the questions at hand. Currently, I am sitting here pondering away at life's wonders and disppointments. I'd come to the understanding that some things can come true and others can't. And what I believe to be real might just be better off written in a fantasy book and placed on the shelf for little girls to read. So I guess my real question is, where does the truth start and the fantasy end?

I miss growing up with such simple ideas and realizations. Even for my age they were always a head of their time. My sensitive then too was far greater then it is now. And by sensitivity, I mean my connections to things particularly nature. I was far more closer to that world then I am now. Perhaps it has something to do with being old and an "adult". I guess we can't see the things we use to see. Maybe it has to do with so much death around here, both in the literally and figurative sense. It truly is an end of an era as the Mayans say it's just a few years a head of schedule for our family.

I don't know. I have a feeling though that one day when I'm truly old and gray, my daughter is going to come across these writings and go "oh my god, my mother was nuts!" or better yet, feel better that she's not alone in this world. Who knows, maybe it's her who will be writing and using these words as inspiration. If not her, my son will. I don't think either one of my children will be blessed with any of the downfalls Pete and I share. Thankfully. I know that they will of course come to terms with certain issues some relatived to the ones Pete and I have gone through but I do feel in the end it will be my experiences that help them move pass the innate fear and peer pressure, and make them stronger. .... That could always be just the Di Marco in me talking. Gotta love us strong willed, front runner Sicilians. =P

I do have a few stories to tell that a part of me doesn't want my children knowing but I do know one day when it's time for them to know, they will learn the pieces that matter most to them. That their mother was a surivor. No matter what life throws at them, they too will be just like me and survive.

Here but not

I'm here but I'm not.
I'm a part of a group, but I'm not.
I sit and listen to foreign tongues and every so often a native speaks to me.
Sometimes, they translate others they go on their own accord.
But I still feel separated and alone.

....... This is my daily life here. I come, I sit, I eat and I listen to the words I don't understand nor will I ever. No one tells me what is being said and no one bothers to speak in a tongue I can. I understand comfort but what about mine? How am I suppose to feel like I belong when I can't understand what is going on around me? I feel uncomfortable and I want to cry because I'm not connected to this family. When company is around, I'm the odd ball out not understanding anything being said. I'm not a part of this and I never will be. =(

Friends?

I feel like we're not any more. There are so many things going on that I'm no longer apart of. I try to be available, I try to be understanding but I feel like it's just me here. Our friendship seems to be null and void. I was cut out like the unwanted fat from a piece of meat, or tofu you decided was no longer good for you.

But is it just the scenary? Am I going into this too deep. A part of me says yes, but a part of me says no.

So, my only question left is, are we still friends?

Today was a good day....

Well, today was a pretty good day. I worked with autistic students today which is always fun bc you can be playful and silly with them and not so serious as you have to be with the regular kids. I also got to chaperon a baseball game that we won, very cool... I made 104 for two hours of watching a game and having some of students "tease me" in front of the principal, who stuck up for me, lol.

When I came home I found out that the personnel office has been trying to get a hold of me. I guess they sent me a letter about something and since they had the wrong town it got sent back to them. They thought I moved, lol. But they didn't ask for me to call them back instead they are resending the letter. I'm hoping it's about the night school application I put in and hopefully it will say something along the lines of "thank you for your interest and we really appreciate it, if in the Fall we do entertain a night school program you will be on our list of teachers" =D I also applied for Regents Review so I hope it has something to do with that too (in a positive sense) If it's about both and it's not in the positive sense, it's ok. At least I can say I tried and next year I'll put in for it again and hope with two years of teaching experience under my belt that I'll get the position. =)


Oh well, either way I'm in a great mood today. I'm off to the gym to regain my mental state of getting in shape. A two hour long session is going to be rough today after not going for the past few days but I think I'll manage. =)

YaY Happy Days. =)

Happy 30th Birthday Jodie =)

Today was my sister's suprise birthday party and I must say it was a success! I actually surpised Jodie which is very, very hard to do. =P Yay!

Today was a good day. I'll post some photos of the day later on. Right now I'm goin to go check on my napping hubby. =P

Happy Birthday Jodie!!!!

Moving on...

Life has a way of moving on. No matter how hard you try to stop it, slow it down, even turn it around, it moves on.

So many of my friends are getting married, having babies, and moving away. Some make it feel as if they are moving away from me by their own choice, why? I feel lonely and afraid. And though I can do the whole "alone" thing pretty well, I am still terrified of it. But really, am I alone? Or has life just moved on with me digging my heals into the sand?

A month or so ago I was given a call that didn't help my mental state. It started out as "Well everything showed normal ....but....." and well, after the but let's just say I've been slowly trying to suppress it every since. And not only did I want to suppress it, I tried everything in my power to regain some form of balance in my life. I wanted to see my friends, the ones who helped me through the most hardest times in my life in hope they could bring me some sanity and inner joy, but only one heard my cry while others ignored it, chosen to or not, I'll probably never know.

How am I now though? Ok, I guess. I keep myself pretty busy in order to forget it and once my body and mind get tired of running away and physically making myself push harder to please every one around me, I become so increasingly cranky. I snap, I cry for no reason, I vent to myself and to nature because no one else has the time to hear me. No one else. I don't blame them though. Their lives have moved on past me. And I am soo PROUD of them in ways I wish I could only express to their faces but once again, life has made it impossible.

Gotta love life.