Fucker

I miss my fucker,
She was such a spit
I miss my fucker,
If you knew her,
You would too.
She'll make you laugh
Pee right through your pants
Oh God, I miss my fucker
I really do.
We used to laugh
We used to sing
Hell, we even used to ....

My fucker was the best,
She used to watch me eat
Not mind when my mind went a drift
Found humor in my injuries
Oh she was such a fucker.

Fucker.

=P

Memories

Sitting here in a cloud of sweeping in memories. I have to say that there are two times in my past that I would love to experience again for just one more night. If I ever could it would seriously mean the world to me and it would most likely bring back a long lost piece of me that sadly I'll never experience again other then in a memory.

So here goes to reliving.

The part of my life I would bring back first would be the time when I was a senior in high school and my friends and I had a secret bond. We all thought of each other as one and with out one of us there was always something missing. I remember one time when one member of the group had pointed out a set of three stars called Orion's Belt. It was a set of starts that made up the belt section of the Orion (Orion is a group of stars that look at as one resemble a hunter). And it was from that moment though of educating became our symbol. The four of us, look at this set of 3 starts (I know it would've been better if it was four but the thought makes up for it), as a symbol of us. No matter where we would go, no matter what happened. If we were separated all we had to do was look up and a see the belt and remember what it meant, remember we were.

I miss those days.


The second part of my life would be the year Pete, Palios, and I were a unit. It was always the three of us when it came down to relaxation and chillen with family. After a long day of school, people, things in general, it was always a great time. There was no negativity what so ever. Unless of course you count the numerous hits on the arms I would give them for making fun of me. lol. But hey, I look at this way. When you're friends with me you are subjected to three things and these things unfortunately you can do nothing about. And there are, my hugs, my massages and my random forms of violence. =D I full heartily believe that the first two make up the ladder. =P

It's true and I'm not that violent. At least not intentionally, all violence is brought upon you unless of course the random occasion when I just need to go punch for punch in the arm with someone and my brother is not around to do so. lol. Thanks Palios. You're the best! And Pete, you're just the best because your the best Italian Korean I have ever met. You knew what it meant to be me lol, well almost =P

See, I'm getting silly just writing about it. I'd have to say though thinking in retrospect here I think after everything I've been through in the past few years, I think I'd take the ladder first, former is too heartbreaking. What I mean is. The times spent with Pete and Noel we're great. Those two people always made me feel like a million bucks and knew how to get me to calm down and be less nervous. They both truly were my saving graces. The times before that spent in senior year, I loved dearly and just to experience it would be amazing but for me really it's something that I can never have back and I'm drawn to sadness with it. Though the initially thought of this entry, is one that doesn't cause me any sadness at all. I love that particular remainder of the that time. =)



Ok, it's bed time now. I gotta get up in the morning and shower, I'm too tired to do so and I don't want to disturb anyone either. Plus sleep sounds ten times better then shower. I must say I love having a job that I can take a shower in the morning for. lol.

Ohhhh Random! Before I go... My boss is already thinking long term with me and wants me to pretty much run his marketing after we get up and really running. =D Which, according to him comes with an incredible salary increase. =) How sweet is that? I'm already making 12 off the books, I couldn't imagine making more for pretty much creating things I like doing. =P

I'm telling you. I love my life right now. So many good things have been happening all in a matter of days really. I feel a fresh start coming... hmm.. can't wait!!!! Good Times are a head Good Times.

Revelations... Random.

So I'm waiting for Jodie to come because the night time gym portion of my life is commencing today. I told her to come here after work if she wanted to go if not, I'm going without her. She agreed so now I'm waiting.

So while I'm waiting, I decided to read through my blogs, by month of course and reading the shorter ones bc I lack the focus to read the big ones, and well, I'm come to realize that I have been pretty pissed off for a long time, since about January actually. I was even saying the same thing I am now back in March, and really my life up until maybe a month ago has been a melodrama or soap opera. I walked around on eggshells around my perimeter, which I am proud of myself for such a good use of language, by perimeter I mean my own house, world, etc. And this is the first time since I've been home that I haven't had to do that. This is the first time since I've been home that friendships that ended at no fault of mine didn't bother me. This is the first time I didn't think of myself as sick and dying (possibly, the jury is still out on both). In this moment, while I'm typing these words the only feeling I have is happy. I'm happy. I'm excited. I feel good. This is all so strange. I was reading words that I wrote about how angry I was and I didn't know why. Fighting with people who I didn't want to fight with. Feeling disconnected and wanting to get back to nature, to my roots, to me. Dealing with body issues because I felt like I had no life. And in the past few days I've seen people I don't normally get to see, I've done things that I normally don't get to do, and I'm enjoying myself. Finally I'm starting to feel good and I have hope.

And that is exactly what feels different now. I didn't have any of that up until this point. I felt trapped and now I don't.

I have hope. That is indeed a miracle. Especially since I lost hope repeatedly so many times this year and I've been dealing with that loss for so long. But that's over now.


I have hope, and I am happy. =)

Footloose...

"I'm cutting footloose.... Jack get back.... Everybody cut Footloose!"

That is my motivation song for the month. I heard it today and I was like, "God I love this song!" lol. And now it's my myspace song and soon it'll be my jam at the gym which I'm hoping i get a copy of it downloaded onto my phone before my sister gets here. =)

I just saw Mama Mia with my mama today, it was great. I love having little dates with her. We went out for "breakfast" dinner and then to the movies. I treated bc well I'm old enough to and I love being able to do that. It makes me feel good inside and I'm finally doing some things that I love to do with no worry about anything else. I don't know why but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder (i think it's the song, it puts me in a good mood) lol.

Last night was EXCELLENT too. I got to hang out with Palios and holy shit that man had me in stitches. I don't think I laughed that hard or for that long in years it feels like. I'm SO glad he's home, life is going to go back to being sucky when he leaves me the bastard. But he's only got one year left in Gtown and then he's all mine forever! lol. Well as long as he's stays on long island. OMG, yesterday was HILARIOUS! The baby met him and the baby came RUNNING into my room to get me to bring me out to see him. Once he saw me hug Noel, that was it. The baby LOVED me like LOVED ME. He hugged me, kissed me, he would run away and come back and just fall all over me like "she's spoken for and she's mine" =) lol.. it was such the cutest thing! He even tried to show off by the way he was drinking his from his sippy cup. He was putting his head back like "See what I can do" and then he went and laid down on the kitchen floor and was like "see, this is my house, I can do whatever I want" and then he jump up and kiss me again!! It was so weird of him. We all laughed bc normally the only man he ever sees me with is Pete and whenever Pete is there it's like "fuck you Aunt Crystal, I see you all the time, I NEVER see him" and *boom* there he goes off like a rocket to Peter. lol. I guess he got his back. lol. OOOOHHH wait the BEST PART was when I said good-bye, the baby took my hand and Noel's and walked us to the door and then proceeding to try to leave with us. My dad called him our little chaperon lol. Isn't that cute??? He doesn't realize who Noel is in relations to me, and for whatever reason I guess he wanted to make sure that Noel would have to realize that the baby and I are a package. LMAO. Not even my baby and he's doing that lol.

The other night I saw Batman. It was interesting. I still can't believe that was Health Ledger. My mom was telling me that she read it was because of the role that made him kinda looney at the end at that actually Jack Nicholson had the same type of experience and had commented that if he had known Health was taking on that role he would've sought out to speak to him to let him know in advance what could possibly happen. Even though he's version was a completely different Joker, that role for whatever reason, fucks with your head. I feel bad for him but let me tell you, the movie was great and Health was amazing as the Joker. If you're afraid of clowns, he'll fuck you up. Truly.

I found this month ironic. The beginning of this month was the first time in over a year I went ot the movies and I was averaging a movie maybe once a year (depending on what came out around my birthday in Geneseo) and in this month along I have seen 5 movies, one I have seen twice. Can you believe it?? I haven't gone this much to the movies since I was dating what's his face back in high school. Him and I used to go to the movies ALL the time and then after him I never really went any more. I actually went tonight to our old theater which I haven't been to in years either and it was interesting the memories I was having. We used to always get there early so we could get the tickets and play Cruisin the car game. We'd play like three races of it and then get popcorn and then go to the movie. Sometimes we'd skip the popcorn and just play the car game until it was time for the previews to start. We always liked to go to the movies a while after something was out that way it was safe to play 3 or 4 rounds of Cruisin and find decent seats in the back. I miss being that young lol. It was about 9 years ago those times and it feels like a millennium ago. I guess I'm finally getting old. Sheesh. lol.

Well, it's about 10:30 and Jodie should be getting out soon and heading her way to here so I gotta get ready. Fun times, Fun times.

Laters =)

Hello Summer.... Nice Circle. =)

It is officially as of 2:30pm today, I have entered my summer vacation. I never seem to escape having one. All my life, come June 25, 26. 27, I say HELLO SUMMER! I also remember my friends and I chanting "No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks" lol Except now, I'm not the student but the teacher. And I have no idea what they're talking about with dirty looks, I never give any of my students that. =P
It's an interesting circle though to say the least, and I'm not saying that because I'm the teacher. I'm saying that because all those summers came after a school year at Sachem. Now, here I am, once again back with my old childhood chum though at least this time I'm getting paid for it (for a good part of the year anyways). =) I must admit though, it is nice to come back and being in a different building other than the ones I knew and loved, is a nice change. It's like coming home with a new scenery. Everything is still there just the foliage is different and couple of new things have sprouted up. Interesting enough, the same thing can be said about my life. Just like my old school days what I thought would be there still, or at least hoped for, isn't. The friends I loved for closed to a decade are no more, the man I thought I was marrying has gone off and married some one else and the curriculum of my life has changed to a slow pace in order to appreciate the days of youth spent with a child that is not mine lol. But I'm not sad. Not anymore anyways. I will admit there were times were I was like "what the fuck!?" and the realization that I didn't mean at all that much to some any more who still meant the world to me, really took a chunk out of me that is still healing. But I'm ok. I took comfort in those who for a shorter amount of time have never strayed and even with the same obstacles or slightly different versions in front of them still stayed true, and I am grateful to God for that. I think if I didn't have them I wouldn't have survived that type of disappointment, shame and grief. I also thank him for having repeated offenders in my past to prepared me for today, or I should say yesterday's present. Thanks God. I don't know what I would've done without you. I know I surely wouldn't be here right now praising you. =)
Outside of those things though, I do feel like I have come into a warped kind of full circle. I have a loving boyfriend, who replaced the old one I had, who is also more legit then the previous. Around 2012, I have a feeling we will be hearing wedding bells and me with very cold feet and him with a knot the size of watermelon in his stomach. (hehe). Needless to say though, it's already written in the stars and I'm glad that this is for real this time.
The school thing is an obvious circle though not complete, but it's ok, it'll still fits into my plans. =) Sometimes though I do wonder if I stood home what would've been... but then I think about all the wonders I found in Geneseo and I'm glad I went. =)
Friends, well that's obvious. Though I am still dragging my foot with that one. Note I said foot not feet on purpose. I got one already running down the block and the other still at the end of the driveway. Some things are hard to let go probably because there was no real closure but that's what happens when I care too much and it's not reciprocated. If it were, I'd probably have both feet with me right now. Oh well. Enough on that.
SO SUMMER... Summer of love? Sure, Peter and I are going to go far, far away and have a wonderful time alone in paradise where no one will find me for quite some time and when they do I will be the one glowing with a huge ass smile on her face =) God I love that man, he's so good to me.
Summer of fun? Most likely. I have plans for fishing, camping, visiting some awesome friends in PA (you two know who you are!) and working my tush off to get my tush back lol. I know that doesn't sound like fun but I gotta say I love working out. Plus, I wanna see what I'm really capable of this time around. I got so far a decade ago with less focus, this time I wanna see where my real plateau is. That kind of competition should be interesting. (Note: I know that's not that exciting reading but trust me with the right kind of mind and music, and of course gym buddy that stuff can be! =) )
Summer of sleep? Haha! Yea right! I'm going to be working days at my massage therapist's office. Yes I said MY MASSAGE THERAPIST. lol. He needed help, I needed a summer job, seeing how I'm pretty much one myself, hey works for me. (Summer job... ah makes me feel like a kid again, lol) Then afterwards coming home to babysit the baby, gotta love him, then of course from M-F gym after the baby leaves, then the weekends with Pete. I'm never going to sleep! lol Well maybe at Pete's I will. hehe =)
Ah summer... Please, Please, I beg of you go slow as possible! I'm going to miss teaching but I don't want September to come that quickly nor do I want to start being a student again that quickly too. (Grad school starts then twice a week, joy).

Yep full circle, almost... Hello Summer 2008. =)

No more talking

I'm done.
Talking that is.
What's the point really?
You're just going to sit there and stare, give an occasional nod
But are you listening?
No

I speak but you don't hear me
walking away, though telling me you care
I'm done
Talking.

Every time I try to say what I feel
what's on my mind,
why I get upset,
why I feel angry
why I feel lonely (at times)
meaningless to you
empty and hollow my voice
The echos linger for only me to follow
What's the point of that?
I already know what I've said.
That's why I'm done.

Shh.

So what to do?

What to write?

Those are the questions at hand. Currently, I am sitting here pondering away at life's wonders and disppointments. I'd come to the understanding that some things can come true and others can't. And what I believe to be real might just be better off written in a fantasy book and placed on the shelf for little girls to read. So I guess my real question is, where does the truth start and the fantasy end?

I miss growing up with such simple ideas and realizations. Even for my age they were always a head of their time. My sensitive then too was far greater then it is now. And by sensitivity, I mean my connections to things particularly nature. I was far more closer to that world then I am now. Perhaps it has something to do with being old and an "adult". I guess we can't see the things we use to see. Maybe it has to do with so much death around here, both in the literally and figurative sense. It truly is an end of an era as the Mayans say it's just a few years a head of schedule for our family.

I don't know. I have a feeling though that one day when I'm truly old and gray, my daughter is going to come across these writings and go "oh my god, my mother was nuts!" or better yet, feel better that she's not alone in this world. Who knows, maybe it's her who will be writing and using these words as inspiration. If not her, my son will. I don't think either one of my children will be blessed with any of the downfalls Pete and I share. Thankfully. I know that they will of course come to terms with certain issues some relatived to the ones Pete and I have gone through but I do feel in the end it will be my experiences that help them move pass the innate fear and peer pressure, and make them stronger. .... That could always be just the Di Marco in me talking. Gotta love us strong willed, front runner Sicilians. =P

I do have a few stories to tell that a part of me doesn't want my children knowing but I do know one day when it's time for them to know, they will learn the pieces that matter most to them. That their mother was a surivor. No matter what life throws at them, they too will be just like me and survive.