"For the life of me, I cannot remember, what made us think we were wise and we'd never compromise..." -Verve Pipe, Freshman

I was going through my myspace account today, updating and changing things when I decided that I wanted to send a Hi comment to some of my friends. Being the lazy person that I am instead of going to their individual pages I went straight to my comments and starting to surf through and pick the people I'd say "hi" to. While I was doing this I learned that myspace keeps up to two years of comments which is awesome and second that I had some real random times with certain people back when I was college that I must say I do miss. I feel like after being home for two years that even those who live on the island with me I don't see that much. My life no longer revolves around school, friends, and feeding people and of course the green guy. Now my life revolves around teaching, night school, Pete, the gym and no little green guy. I kinda miss the days of Geneseo when I had a little bubble of my own to call home. I could do whatever I wanted with no care in the world with no need to worry about anyone but really myself. Now, it's a completely different story. I have to worry about my students, my family, my boyfriend, and a couple of my friends who I've kept close. I have to worry about myself too on top of all that, and I wonder why I gained the weight that I did. I've been stretch out too thin in terms of my needs but where can I do? Forget people and think about myself? Yeah right, for those of you who know me knows that that is impossible. I can't help think about people, even the ones who I haven't spoken to in years. My life is as complicated as ever and the only good thing that has come of it is having a 4.0 GPA for my masters program and a couple of friends who granted are MIA a lot but I least I know both of them are here on the island with me and I have a Pete. Granted, he is a pain in my ass and a lot of times I want to bitch slap him upside the head but if you take that away from the equation he does take good care of me and he does try at least not to be a butt head all the time.

However, even with that I still feel locked in a cage with my wings clipped since I've been home and I want to badly escape.

what to do

How do I make a decision here. I could weigh all the pro's and con's, but what happens if I come with an even number? Or worse, more con's? Really what am I to do?

There are two sides to every story, I know this better then any one.Bur how can I be in this situation and be the only one who can see both sides of the coin? Why should I be? Haven't I been through enough this year? Am I just suppose to keep going? What if I don't want to?

I'm tired of it all. I truly feel that no one, no one at all really cares. I surround myself with such selfish people and I'm the one who has to bend, I'm the one has to be forgiving and move on, I have to the be the understanding one. How about someone understanding me? How about seeing things from my perspective? How about .... I don't know. Loving me the way I deserve to be loved?

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I live every day in secret. I have a double life. I live the life every one else sees and the one that is truly going inside of me. Every day I worry about the disease that runs through my veins and every day I fear is another day closer to death. It's a constant struggle to keep myself on track, to achieve higher, to not deal with the truths that I need to be perfect or others will leave me and that death is coming. I have known both for a long time now. I have tried hard to ignore them but it's hard to and I can't any longer. I need to leave to avoid being left and death is down the road making it's way to my house, to my bedroom.

No one knows. But I do. I can feel it getting closer now. I have tempted fate because I tried to ignore it and enjoy life. My selfishness is going to cost me. Next month's test will tell me if I am still diseased and the results will be yes. Within weeks, I will under go other tests that will show the mutations and finally, dealing with the cancer growing inside me. And in that moment, I will be truly living a double life. Only I will know the truth because even those in the loop will not be in that one. Cancer is a battle one fights on their own and that's how it will be done.

So the only one question remains... should I make the loop that holds a few hold only me? =/

You hurt me =(

You really did.
And what's worst is I can't tell you because I know you won't hear me.
In one swooping moment my world was shattered by one shelfish act.
If only I was the selfish one. I would be able to step back, see the bigger picture,
truly assess what I have and decided on the right thing to do. Stay.

But the selfish act wasn't mine to make and I'm left here now with doubts and a pain in my chest and head that just won't quit.

I can't go back. Things now have forever changed. What I don't understand though is why is it with every one in my life at some point or another they allow others to take such control over them that I'm the one who gets shitted on. I'm the who runs to every one's call. I'm the one who stands by and is the pillar of strength needed, the voice of reason, the understanding one. I even dare, I say it, admire me at times. So why am I the one getting shitted on? Why does every thing fall onto me that force me to be in such pain and have no way of letting it out, outside of writing it down.

The answer is simple. I don't know why. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I know what it truly feels like to be alone. The truth is, a long time ago, I would actually cried myself asleep from the fear of being alone. So, now the question is, am I settling? Is this really what I want? Do I want to have to worry about being left behind? Or worse, being forced to walk away?

I don't know. I love him too much to let him go. So which way do I go? =(

Ever have the feeling that you were loosening yourself? That the fears you feared the most were on the brink of coming true and there was nothing that you can do to stop them?

That's how I felt this weekend. In one swooping moment, I lost it all. I lost my temper, I lost my love, I lost myself.

How did I get this far? I feel like every time I take two steps forward, I'm taking at least three steps back. If only I knew how to take more without loosing so many.

The answer: 1 step at a time.

Seriously. I'm always too busy trying to cut corners to get to my goal quicker but in the end, it's not about the steps you take that matter but the ones you didn't. It's those that come to bite you in the ass later.

Bull Crap

So I'm the one at fault. I'm the one who got Jodie heated in an agrument. I'm the one who should've known better. I'm the one who has to smarter next time. No one if in a heated discussion position at birds eye view can have preferial vision because they are too focused in a discussion.

Bull Crap.

One, I am not at fault. Two, he is not my child. Three, I don't care who started it, both of you's can shut up and walk away not just one of you's. Fourth, if I can have preferial vision in a heated argument even in a serve emotional state when the baby is around, then any one can and it's pure pull crap to sit here and point the finger at me.

Memories

My Best Birthday

I turned 23. You were expecting 5, right? Well, I'm sorry, but you'd be wrong. Mine was lucky old number 23. Why 23? Well, for starters I was finally over being 22 and old, and now I got to be 23 and older, whew I thought I was going to have deal with the rest of my life saying I was "22 and old". =P

The day though was perfect, it really didn't matter how old I was turning. It was a Friday, my birthday weekend; and the weekend started with a beautiful sky and warm shockingly for Geneseo. I wore a black cute tank top and white skirt. Yes, a WHITE Skirt. Emphasis on the white and most defintely the skirt. No one has ever known me to ever do that unless I felt really, really good, and looked really really hot. I even straighten my hair for the occasion. I look great and no one recognized me at first, which is always amazing. I love it when that happens. I had even my closet male friends saying I looked goood. lol.

So after my one class of the day, I headed over to Pete's to meet up with every body. I loved my brothers because when I got there, there were 'presents' glore and a little party going on in my celebration. During this time Meredith and I were close and she had come up for my birthday. She suprised me with flowers and it was great. That night we had an open in my honor =)

Saturday was very good, though I had to bring Meredith to the airport which I wished at the time should would've been able to stay longer. Stupid air plane ticket. Though it did give me and Becky some lovely quality time together. =) That evening I went to a benefit gathering that Pete was doing for class followed by good times at the Crow House. The only clitch was getting my period right as we got back to the house. Thank God Emily at the time was living with Pete so I was saved. The party was pretty good though I did what I was accustomed to doing that year; hang out with Pete, Vince and Emily, Jimmy and one random person (from Crows- non crows). I loved it when life comprised of that. Though that night we all got together outside in front of a lovely fire that Pete and Vince built. We watched a So, needless to say I slept over, I didn't feel like walking back to the dorm. I wanted to be lazy =P

Sunday, was the greatest! This was the ultimate reason why number 23 will go down in the history books. When I awoke I was greeted so nicely. I was made comfortable on my couch that I had slept on, and was given the remote. For the entire day I got to relax while I had my period with one of pete's pillows and my favorite blanket I stole from Aaron (unintentionally, a totally different story), watching whatever I wanted in Pete's room. It was great! And where was Pete, Vince, Jimmy, Emily, and a few of the other brother's? They were all in the living room watching what they wanted to watch while Pete brewed me some special tea he had been creating for months for my birthday. And here is the kicker, after it was ready to drink, it was served to me with a little honey, and every body came into Pete's room to hang out with me while we drank the tea and watched Neverland starring Johnny Depp. Now that is an awesome birthday! Who could beat being served on and encourage to just relax and watch your favorite birthday present with 5 guys and of course one girfriend (not mine, Pete's) all while drinking tea with them. =)

That was a great birhtday. I must say =)

My Snuggle Buddies


God, I miss them! They were simple awesome! Seriously. These were the people no matter when you saw them they were sweet and whenever you were down they let you lean on them, literally. I have to say I did have a lot of snuggle buddies but I swear if you lay or sit with them and snuggled, omg, it was simply lovely. I would feel ten times better no matter what it was. My snuggle buddies loved me and they let me snuggle on them whenever I wanted. =) I love my snuggle buddies. =)



~My Snuggle Buddies~

Bobby
Becky
Andrea
Chewy
Alyssa
Michelle
Rowena
Andy
Pete
Vince
Powers
Dave
Erica
Greg
Kristy
Tommy
Ryan
Gabby
Vivian
Laurie
Carrie
Sammy
Andy
Townsen
Tim
Timmy
Smiley
Holly
Mego
Wemson
Sarah
Banana
Wendy
K-Hoff
JIll
*Jesse
Brian*
Pat
Bj
Aaron
Mr. Peek
Jeff
Chris
Birthday Sharers
Evil Twin
Brendan
Booty
Monkey
Little
Julie
Beth
Kris Kris
Marty
Brendon
Chuck
Jones Boys


more to come.....maybe =





lol.





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It's the little things I notice.