late night...

I sit here not at my own computer and I ponder a multitude of things. Today has been an interesting day. Throughout my day I have been filled with "what if's". What if, my hopes of going to grad school are not met with success? What if, the man I love I'm not suppose to be with? What if, my family never grows from the ashes which they stand? What if, how am I now is how I will always be (look, feel, etc.)? And as I ponder these thoughts I can't help believe in some form of magic, something more then this uncertainty of realistic and rationalizing prospect, and wonder that perhaps the reason when I am with my love that I can only remember being with him and no one else is a sign that it is him whom I will be with for all time. Or that, if actually try I can change myself; I've done it before, why not again? Or, that my family will rescue themselves just as they have done time and time again. But then, I look in the mirror, and what I see are flaws of an almost perfect design. I fight with and shed tears for some because they are just plain overly aggressive and short tempered, and I see for all it's possibilities that some things just never change and some feelings never go away.

So which is the real reality? Is it the hopeful one or the realistic one? Am I just trying to look for good and just getting stuck? Or is this all just a self indulged disillusion that I have created for myself in hopes of surviving in this muck?

I've spent a good portion of my adult life looking back in the hopes of finding an inch of myself to come forward with and complete myself in a way that only one can, and I have at times. Though when I do, I always seemed to loose it just as suddenly as I have found it. Is this one of those times? I don't think so. I think I am at a point where looking back is no longer helpful and I must look forward continuously and not let the past bog me down and effect me as I have before. I remember a time when every one thought I was strong, I remember another when every one thought I was weak, but I don't know how I will be remembered this time around. Will I be seen as overly sensitive as others have began to proclaim me as? Or the bitch who just won't let go off past deceit and forgive for all it's glory? Or perhaps I'll be seen as the determined soul who needed close to a year of being home to get her bearings? Or perhaps this will be a time that I will not be remembered for any of these qualities and for once I'll be seen and remember as myself...

My head is throbing....

I don't know why but I have had this headache for the past two days. It sucks. I keep taking meds and making it go away but then it comes back. I'm not liking it! Though I am happy that I don't have the 25.5 hour work week this week so at least today I can stay home in bed and hopefully that'll make it go away.

So, Peter bought me a year subscription to the gym. I know some would say that that's maybe weird or something to that extent but he was really doing it to be sweet. My hip has been killing me for the past five months I've been home because I put on a massive about of weight in the past 8 months. I went from 152lbs to 185lbs. I haven't been this size since I first lost the weight when I was 15. When I told Pete I used the gym last time when I dropped it, he got me a membership. It's a nice place. It's called planet fitness and Pete got me the black member account so I can go whenever I want (it's open 24 hours) bring someone with me for free, go tanning if I want for free, and I get to go to any planet fitness location, not bad really. I went yesterday for an hour and I would had gone again today but I feel so crappy. My jaw is clinching and my calf's don't like me, plus the nausea doesn't help either.

I dunno....

But either way, hopefully what I gained will go away and maybe then some and I'll be right as rain once again =)

I also just was hired by Sachem as a daily sub. I should be starting tomorrow. It'll matters of them calling me. After my first day I'm going to making an appointment with the principal of North, my old high school, and see if they need any permanent subs for this school year. So maybe, just maybe I'll be moving up to that and then next year who knows, maybe then I'll finally be a teacher at Sachem and have my dream job all secure. =)

Alrighty it's time for my meds and nap, my headache is back.. booo

Interesting to say the least

Something isn't right to say the least. I feel like I'm all over the place. One minute I feel like crying, remincing about people who are no longer part of my life, the next I'm happy go lucky like a kid again, and then for just pure shits and giggles I get pissy or annoyed real quick. I don't know what's coming over me or what's going on. I wanna get away for a bit and just clear out my head. I dunno. I feel bad for Pete during this bc all he wants to do is make me happy but at the same time I just need to get away from him for a while. I just feel that sometimes what goes on between us is more about him then it is about me. I know he'll never change who is and I don't want to change really mor elike soften the rough spot and have him learn the aspect of giving respect, at least in regards to me and my beliefs on certain issues. He tries too to get me away from things but I don't stay very peaceful with him when he does.

Is there something really wrong with me?

I dunno... =\