late night...

I sit here not at my own computer and I ponder a multitude of things. Today has been an interesting day. Throughout my day I have been filled with "what if's". What if, my hopes of going to grad school are not met with success? What if, the man I love I'm not suppose to be with? What if, my family never grows from the ashes which they stand? What if, how am I now is how I will always be (look, feel, etc.)? And as I ponder these thoughts I can't help believe in some form of magic, something more then this uncertainty of realistic and rationalizing prospect, and wonder that perhaps the reason when I am with my love that I can only remember being with him and no one else is a sign that it is him whom I will be with for all time. Or that, if actually try I can change myself; I've done it before, why not again? Or, that my family will rescue themselves just as they have done time and time again. But then, I look in the mirror, and what I see are flaws of an almost perfect design. I fight with and shed tears for some because they are just plain overly aggressive and short tempered, and I see for all it's possibilities that some things just never change and some feelings never go away.

So which is the real reality? Is it the hopeful one or the realistic one? Am I just trying to look for good and just getting stuck? Or is this all just a self indulged disillusion that I have created for myself in hopes of surviving in this muck?

I've spent a good portion of my adult life looking back in the hopes of finding an inch of myself to come forward with and complete myself in a way that only one can, and I have at times. Though when I do, I always seemed to loose it just as suddenly as I have found it. Is this one of those times? I don't think so. I think I am at a point where looking back is no longer helpful and I must look forward continuously and not let the past bog me down and effect me as I have before. I remember a time when every one thought I was strong, I remember another when every one thought I was weak, but I don't know how I will be remembered this time around. Will I be seen as overly sensitive as others have began to proclaim me as? Or the bitch who just won't let go off past deceit and forgive for all it's glory? Or perhaps I'll be seen as the determined soul who needed close to a year of being home to get her bearings? Or perhaps this will be a time that I will not be remembered for any of these qualities and for once I'll be seen and remember as myself...