Monday, April 14, 2008
Sad
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m sad. I have all these things swimming inside my head and no where to pour them out. I feel abandon and lost. I’m scared and I want to collapse. I want to shed this body and start over again. Maybe then I’d get it right. Maybe then I won’t some how loose my friends, maybe then I can warn others so that their lives aren’t shorten. I only have so much life inside, only so much strength to fight. I’m loosing the battle. Holding on to whatever is left inside. The tears that stream down my face are ones of defeat. I am defeated. But there is no bottom to this black hole. There is nothing but a hollow emptiness from a life I cannot change.
Where to Begin, Where to Start?
I’m playing cat and mouse. Who am I?
I can be killer, a stalker, make some one else my prey. I can be skillful and charismatic. If I wanted to I could land on my two feet. If made to, I could survive.
I can also be timid. Unsure of which way to go. Make myself small enough to fit under any door, nook, or corner. I am a pacifist. I rather not deal and some what keep peace even if that means I have to run away.
Where to begin? Where to start?
I’m tired of cycles and circles alike. The metaphor makes no sense unless we are constantly coming back. We don’t. We leave these half useless bodies behind for others to bury and then? Some say Heaven, others say Hell, most say no where and the last say peace (hopefully). If we’re lucky, we could come back but not as ourselves but as flowers and plants or someone else in a different family, so what good is that? Where’s the circle now?
"We live in circles, if someone leaves it doesn’t mean they won’t come back some where else the circle touches" We live more like triangles and squares. Once you’ve gone too far, you’ve fallen off the path and the circle metaphor can no longer hold you. There are no colliding back lines, there is no transitional angles to fall back on. With our minds it is possible to go back, however life will forever push us forward.
Where to start? When to go?
Is it my time now? Can I go home? I’m tired and drained. I can barely see what is true or false any more. My young body is capable of moving on but my soul, my very old soul, is so very tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand what is going on. Tired of trying to figure out the truth behind people’s actions, and letting go of a past that used to mean so much. I have seen the future a multitude of times and though I know my path is right, what I’ll be lacking in the end I don’t want to face. If only I could go back and change things, but life has it’s quirky sense of humor: Take a glimpse into the future but never know if it is the one that is coming around the corner or ages later.
Life, I hate your jokes.
And with that sentiment, I will stay on my fence and try to decide if I am the one who hides or the one who stays and fights
I can be killer, a stalker, make some one else my prey. I can be skillful and charismatic. If I wanted to I could land on my two feet. If made to, I could survive.
I can also be timid. Unsure of which way to go. Make myself small enough to fit under any door, nook, or corner. I am a pacifist. I rather not deal and some what keep peace even if that means I have to run away.
Where to begin? Where to start?
I’m tired of cycles and circles alike. The metaphor makes no sense unless we are constantly coming back. We don’t. We leave these half useless bodies behind for others to bury and then? Some say Heaven, others say Hell, most say no where and the last say peace (hopefully). If we’re lucky, we could come back but not as ourselves but as flowers and plants or someone else in a different family, so what good is that? Where’s the circle now?
"We live in circles, if someone leaves it doesn’t mean they won’t come back some where else the circle touches" We live more like triangles and squares. Once you’ve gone too far, you’ve fallen off the path and the circle metaphor can no longer hold you. There are no colliding back lines, there is no transitional angles to fall back on. With our minds it is possible to go back, however life will forever push us forward.
Where to start? When to go?
Is it my time now? Can I go home? I’m tired and drained. I can barely see what is true or false any more. My young body is capable of moving on but my soul, my very old soul, is so very tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand what is going on. Tired of trying to figure out the truth behind people’s actions, and letting go of a past that used to mean so much. I have seen the future a multitude of times and though I know my path is right, what I’ll be lacking in the end I don’t want to face. If only I could go back and change things, but life has it’s quirky sense of humor: Take a glimpse into the future but never know if it is the one that is coming around the corner or ages later.
Life, I hate your jokes.
And with that sentiment, I will stay on my fence and try to decide if I am the one who hides or the one who stays and fights
Sunday, April 6, 2008
I don't know why
I'm sad and I don't know why.
I'm angry and I don't know why
I'm upset, cold, and alone, and I don't know why.
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Which neuron stopped firing that makes it so my feelings and emotions are so scattered? Am I crazy? I think I am.
I want to die. I want to crawl into a little ball and cry into a black oblivion. I want to just forget and be buried beneath my own betrayal of myself.
=(
I'm angry and I don't know why
I'm upset, cold, and alone, and I don't know why.
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Which neuron stopped firing that makes it so my feelings and emotions are so scattered? Am I crazy? I think I am.
I want to die. I want to crawl into a little ball and cry into a black oblivion. I want to just forget and be buried beneath my own betrayal of myself.
=(
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