Hello Summer.... Nice Circle. =)

It is officially as of 2:30pm today, I have entered my summer vacation. I never seem to escape having one. All my life, come June 25, 26. 27, I say HELLO SUMMER! I also remember my friends and I chanting "No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks" lol Except now, I'm not the student but the teacher. And I have no idea what they're talking about with dirty looks, I never give any of my students that. =P
It's an interesting circle though to say the least, and I'm not saying that because I'm the teacher. I'm saying that because all those summers came after a school year at Sachem. Now, here I am, once again back with my old childhood chum though at least this time I'm getting paid for it (for a good part of the year anyways). =) I must admit though, it is nice to come back and being in a different building other than the ones I knew and loved, is a nice change. It's like coming home with a new scenery. Everything is still there just the foliage is different and couple of new things have sprouted up. Interesting enough, the same thing can be said about my life. Just like my old school days what I thought would be there still, or at least hoped for, isn't. The friends I loved for closed to a decade are no more, the man I thought I was marrying has gone off and married some one else and the curriculum of my life has changed to a slow pace in order to appreciate the days of youth spent with a child that is not mine lol. But I'm not sad. Not anymore anyways. I will admit there were times were I was like "what the fuck!?" and the realization that I didn't mean at all that much to some any more who still meant the world to me, really took a chunk out of me that is still healing. But I'm ok. I took comfort in those who for a shorter amount of time have never strayed and even with the same obstacles or slightly different versions in front of them still stayed true, and I am grateful to God for that. I think if I didn't have them I wouldn't have survived that type of disappointment, shame and grief. I also thank him for having repeated offenders in my past to prepared me for today, or I should say yesterday's present. Thanks God. I don't know what I would've done without you. I know I surely wouldn't be here right now praising you. =)
Outside of those things though, I do feel like I have come into a warped kind of full circle. I have a loving boyfriend, who replaced the old one I had, who is also more legit then the previous. Around 2012, I have a feeling we will be hearing wedding bells and me with very cold feet and him with a knot the size of watermelon in his stomach. (hehe). Needless to say though, it's already written in the stars and I'm glad that this is for real this time.
The school thing is an obvious circle though not complete, but it's ok, it'll still fits into my plans. =) Sometimes though I do wonder if I stood home what would've been... but then I think about all the wonders I found in Geneseo and I'm glad I went. =)
Friends, well that's obvious. Though I am still dragging my foot with that one. Note I said foot not feet on purpose. I got one already running down the block and the other still at the end of the driveway. Some things are hard to let go probably because there was no real closure but that's what happens when I care too much and it's not reciprocated. If it were, I'd probably have both feet with me right now. Oh well. Enough on that.
SO SUMMER... Summer of love? Sure, Peter and I are going to go far, far away and have a wonderful time alone in paradise where no one will find me for quite some time and when they do I will be the one glowing with a huge ass smile on her face =) God I love that man, he's so good to me.
Summer of fun? Most likely. I have plans for fishing, camping, visiting some awesome friends in PA (you two know who you are!) and working my tush off to get my tush back lol. I know that doesn't sound like fun but I gotta say I love working out. Plus, I wanna see what I'm really capable of this time around. I got so far a decade ago with less focus, this time I wanna see where my real plateau is. That kind of competition should be interesting. (Note: I know that's not that exciting reading but trust me with the right kind of mind and music, and of course gym buddy that stuff can be! =) )
Summer of sleep? Haha! Yea right! I'm going to be working days at my massage therapist's office. Yes I said MY MASSAGE THERAPIST. lol. He needed help, I needed a summer job, seeing how I'm pretty much one myself, hey works for me. (Summer job... ah makes me feel like a kid again, lol) Then afterwards coming home to babysit the baby, gotta love him, then of course from M-F gym after the baby leaves, then the weekends with Pete. I'm never going to sleep! lol Well maybe at Pete's I will. hehe =)
Ah summer... Please, Please, I beg of you go slow as possible! I'm going to miss teaching but I don't want September to come that quickly nor do I want to start being a student again that quickly too. (Grad school starts then twice a week, joy).

Yep full circle, almost... Hello Summer 2008. =)

No more talking

I'm done.
Talking that is.
What's the point really?
You're just going to sit there and stare, give an occasional nod
But are you listening?
No

I speak but you don't hear me
walking away, though telling me you care
I'm done
Talking.

Every time I try to say what I feel
what's on my mind,
why I get upset,
why I feel angry
why I feel lonely (at times)
meaningless to you
empty and hollow my voice
The echos linger for only me to follow
What's the point of that?
I already know what I've said.
That's why I'm done.

Shh.

So what to do?

What to write?

Those are the questions at hand. Currently, I am sitting here pondering away at life's wonders and disppointments. I'd come to the understanding that some things can come true and others can't. And what I believe to be real might just be better off written in a fantasy book and placed on the shelf for little girls to read. So I guess my real question is, where does the truth start and the fantasy end?

I miss growing up with such simple ideas and realizations. Even for my age they were always a head of their time. My sensitive then too was far greater then it is now. And by sensitivity, I mean my connections to things particularly nature. I was far more closer to that world then I am now. Perhaps it has something to do with being old and an "adult". I guess we can't see the things we use to see. Maybe it has to do with so much death around here, both in the literally and figurative sense. It truly is an end of an era as the Mayans say it's just a few years a head of schedule for our family.

I don't know. I have a feeling though that one day when I'm truly old and gray, my daughter is going to come across these writings and go "oh my god, my mother was nuts!" or better yet, feel better that she's not alone in this world. Who knows, maybe it's her who will be writing and using these words as inspiration. If not her, my son will. I don't think either one of my children will be blessed with any of the downfalls Pete and I share. Thankfully. I know that they will of course come to terms with certain issues some relatived to the ones Pete and I have gone through but I do feel in the end it will be my experiences that help them move pass the innate fear and peer pressure, and make them stronger. .... That could always be just the Di Marco in me talking. Gotta love us strong willed, front runner Sicilians. =P

I do have a few stories to tell that a part of me doesn't want my children knowing but I do know one day when it's time for them to know, they will learn the pieces that matter most to them. That their mother was a surivor. No matter what life throws at them, they too will be just like me and survive.