what to do

How do I make a decision here. I could weigh all the pro's and con's, but what happens if I come with an even number? Or worse, more con's? Really what am I to do?

There are two sides to every story, I know this better then any one.Bur how can I be in this situation and be the only one who can see both sides of the coin? Why should I be? Haven't I been through enough this year? Am I just suppose to keep going? What if I don't want to?

I'm tired of it all. I truly feel that no one, no one at all really cares. I surround myself with such selfish people and I'm the one who has to bend, I'm the one has to be forgiving and move on, I have to the be the understanding one. How about someone understanding me? How about seeing things from my perspective? How about .... I don't know. Loving me the way I deserve to be loved?

_____

I live every day in secret. I have a double life. I live the life every one else sees and the one that is truly going inside of me. Every day I worry about the disease that runs through my veins and every day I fear is another day closer to death. It's a constant struggle to keep myself on track, to achieve higher, to not deal with the truths that I need to be perfect or others will leave me and that death is coming. I have known both for a long time now. I have tried hard to ignore them but it's hard to and I can't any longer. I need to leave to avoid being left and death is down the road making it's way to my house, to my bedroom.

No one knows. But I do. I can feel it getting closer now. I have tempted fate because I tried to ignore it and enjoy life. My selfishness is going to cost me. Next month's test will tell me if I am still diseased and the results will be yes. Within weeks, I will under go other tests that will show the mutations and finally, dealing with the cancer growing inside me. And in that moment, I will be truly living a double life. Only I will know the truth because even those in the loop will not be in that one. Cancer is a battle one fights on their own and that's how it will be done.

So the only one question remains... should I make the loop that holds a few hold only me? =/

You hurt me =(

You really did.
And what's worst is I can't tell you because I know you won't hear me.
In one swooping moment my world was shattered by one shelfish act.
If only I was the selfish one. I would be able to step back, see the bigger picture,
truly assess what I have and decided on the right thing to do. Stay.

But the selfish act wasn't mine to make and I'm left here now with doubts and a pain in my chest and head that just won't quit.

I can't go back. Things now have forever changed. What I don't understand though is why is it with every one in my life at some point or another they allow others to take such control over them that I'm the one who gets shitted on. I'm the who runs to every one's call. I'm the one who stands by and is the pillar of strength needed, the voice of reason, the understanding one. I even dare, I say it, admire me at times. So why am I the one getting shitted on? Why does every thing fall onto me that force me to be in such pain and have no way of letting it out, outside of writing it down.

The answer is simple. I don't know why. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I know what it truly feels like to be alone. The truth is, a long time ago, I would actually cried myself asleep from the fear of being alone. So, now the question is, am I settling? Is this really what I want? Do I want to have to worry about being left behind? Or worse, being forced to walk away?

I don't know. I love him too much to let him go. So which way do I go? =(