what to do

How do I make a decision here. I could weigh all the pro's and con's, but what happens if I come with an even number? Or worse, more con's? Really what am I to do?

There are two sides to every story, I know this better then any one.Bur how can I be in this situation and be the only one who can see both sides of the coin? Why should I be? Haven't I been through enough this year? Am I just suppose to keep going? What if I don't want to?

I'm tired of it all. I truly feel that no one, no one at all really cares. I surround myself with such selfish people and I'm the one who has to bend, I'm the one has to be forgiving and move on, I have to the be the understanding one. How about someone understanding me? How about seeing things from my perspective? How about .... I don't know. Loving me the way I deserve to be loved?

_____

I live every day in secret. I have a double life. I live the life every one else sees and the one that is truly going inside of me. Every day I worry about the disease that runs through my veins and every day I fear is another day closer to death. It's a constant struggle to keep myself on track, to achieve higher, to not deal with the truths that I need to be perfect or others will leave me and that death is coming. I have known both for a long time now. I have tried hard to ignore them but it's hard to and I can't any longer. I need to leave to avoid being left and death is down the road making it's way to my house, to my bedroom.

No one knows. But I do. I can feel it getting closer now. I have tempted fate because I tried to ignore it and enjoy life. My selfishness is going to cost me. Next month's test will tell me if I am still diseased and the results will be yes. Within weeks, I will under go other tests that will show the mutations and finally, dealing with the cancer growing inside me. And in that moment, I will be truly living a double life. Only I will know the truth because even those in the loop will not be in that one. Cancer is a battle one fights on their own and that's how it will be done.

So the only one question remains... should I make the loop that holds a few hold only me? =/