Nonsense

Today has been filled with nonsense. First, I found out that they are still going to take out this month's payment for my student loan which blows. So that means I have no money at all for this weekend which sucks bc I wanted to see Cassie finally! And actually go out with my friend and have a few drinks and get to dance and just have fun. God I miss fun! I miss going out and not being annoyed practically every other second and being forced to feel like I'm five. I'm tired of being a bum! You know the only reason I kept out all that weight for so long was because I was active and I would go out dancing and I would leave the comforts of my home or any one's home for that matter and DO SOMETHING! Such BULL!

The second thing is that I had to have reality smack me in the face that for as long as I have this body I will have to deal with whom ever I'm with to constantly look in other directions. I can't believe this shit. I sometimes wish I was a complete hermit and no one knew me but my students and my co-workers and outside of work and I was me and did not have to worry about others looking in different directions and with my discovery of such nonsense making me feel like I have no self-worth at all. That I'm not attractive and that I cannot keep a man's interest longer then a second because I'm some easy chase because well look at me, I'm not hard to chase.

NO MORE! You want me? You have to work to have me and to keep me! I'm so tired of this. I'm twenty-four years old, I'd have two long ass relationships having the same ass complications and now I'm on my third one and it all seems ridiculously all the same, and I'm so tired of it.