Moving on...

Life has a way of moving on. No matter how hard you try to stop it, slow it down, even turn it around, it moves on.

So many of my friends are getting married, having babies, and moving away. Some make it feel as if they are moving away from me by their own choice, why? I feel lonely and afraid. And though I can do the whole "alone" thing pretty well, I am still terrified of it. But really, am I alone? Or has life just moved on with me digging my heals into the sand?

A month or so ago I was given a call that didn't help my mental state. It started out as "Well everything showed normal ....but....." and well, after the but let's just say I've been slowly trying to suppress it every since. And not only did I want to suppress it, I tried everything in my power to regain some form of balance in my life. I wanted to see my friends, the ones who helped me through the most hardest times in my life in hope they could bring me some sanity and inner joy, but only one heard my cry while others ignored it, chosen to or not, I'll probably never know.

How am I now though? Ok, I guess. I keep myself pretty busy in order to forget it and once my body and mind get tired of running away and physically making myself push harder to please every one around me, I become so increasingly cranky. I snap, I cry for no reason, I vent to myself and to nature because no one else has the time to hear me. No one else. I don't blame them though. Their lives have moved on past me. And I am soo PROUD of them in ways I wish I could only express to their faces but once again, life has made it impossible.

Gotta love life.