Revelations... Random.

So I'm waiting for Jodie to come because the night time gym portion of my life is commencing today. I told her to come here after work if she wanted to go if not, I'm going without her. She agreed so now I'm waiting.

So while I'm waiting, I decided to read through my blogs, by month of course and reading the shorter ones bc I lack the focus to read the big ones, and well, I'm come to realize that I have been pretty pissed off for a long time, since about January actually. I was even saying the same thing I am now back in March, and really my life up until maybe a month ago has been a melodrama or soap opera. I walked around on eggshells around my perimeter, which I am proud of myself for such a good use of language, by perimeter I mean my own house, world, etc. And this is the first time since I've been home that I haven't had to do that. This is the first time since I've been home that friendships that ended at no fault of mine didn't bother me. This is the first time I didn't think of myself as sick and dying (possibly, the jury is still out on both). In this moment, while I'm typing these words the only feeling I have is happy. I'm happy. I'm excited. I feel good. This is all so strange. I was reading words that I wrote about how angry I was and I didn't know why. Fighting with people who I didn't want to fight with. Feeling disconnected and wanting to get back to nature, to my roots, to me. Dealing with body issues because I felt like I had no life. And in the past few days I've seen people I don't normally get to see, I've done things that I normally don't get to do, and I'm enjoying myself. Finally I'm starting to feel good and I have hope.

And that is exactly what feels different now. I didn't have any of that up until this point. I felt trapped and now I don't.

I have hope. That is indeed a miracle. Especially since I lost hope repeatedly so many times this year and I've been dealing with that loss for so long. But that's over now.


I have hope, and I am happy. =)