I know why...

I'm sitting here... crying.. and I know why.
I'm crying because I have no hope left.
No hope for us in recovering what was lost in a matter of seconds.
How much can my heart take of constant aggression?
How much should I take?
Already in a fragile state,
already feeling the guillotine above my neck,
... the candle has already eaten 3/4 of the rope... it's about to fall.
Off my head.
Good-bye to my life.
Good-bye to my heart.

When I was young, I was told, there will be no one.
No one for me to grow old with.
I will be sorely disappointment and shattered by one in particular.
I was told, he would last the longest and he would hurt me the most.
No treachery would be played on his part, no deceit of any kind.
Mainly because it wasn't our time, and I could no longer hold on.
When I was young, I was already heart broken and the thought of being alone broke me even more.
I searched for years, and for years I was stuck on my first and suffocated those who were excellent potentials, full of intelligence, class, and experience. But my need to prove my path written by own hands wrong, I destroyed all that could've been.
So I let go....

Then I found him.
I said three years. I'm not too sure why.
Now as I sit, filled with sickly butterflies, I believe I know why...
In three months time, it'll be three years, and he is the 3rd man I have ever loved.
And, deep down, I have always known, that the third man, would be the last man who would make the prophesy true.
Perhaps it was my meddling. Maybe I shouldn't had known. Maybe I shouldn't have given him opportunities to correct himself, to make himself a better man. Maybe it is my fault.

Maybe... but maybe... it is what it is, and no matter how much I tried to steer him into being a man he would want his son to be, it wouldn't had matter in the end any way. I wasn't the woman meant to change him for the better. I wasn't his one and only. I am for the time being, his limbo and he is my savior from a life without him I couldn't have escaped.

Sitting here crying

I'm sitting here crying.
to the point of exhaustation yet I cannot sleep.
I'm sitting here crying.
But you do not weep.
I'm stting here crying.
trying to make sense of this world with no luck.

I searched a decade for you
and I knew since I started that I would loose you.
Filled with disappointments, I can't pick my body off the ground.
I'm leaving every thing now
Faith takes every thing from me with only visits left for the cementry.

And here I am, alone loosing a battle I had no right in fighting
all while you sleep.

Random Pictures...

Some random pictures from camera..... 2009

I don't want to die.

I really don't. I'm just constantly sick. First, I had a cancer scare for close to a year. That was fun. Now they're telling me I could have something wrong with my uterus. Since Novemeber I have had everything from bacterial infection to random fevers to nausua for 3 months straight. I even have cancer anti-nausua pills for that one. lol.

Seriously though, who wants to be sick? Though I'd rather on me then with other people who I care about. Maybe it's a sign of things to come so I should get on my ass and start taking care of me and not be so lazy about it. I let myself go --- seriously. It's time I brought it back-- better then ever this time around! I'm giving myself starting from birthday (my major projects are done then) and all the summer to get me back to me. I'm going to focus on that gym of mine and getting out more. Even my completion changed. I used to wear natural tan -- looked flawless couldn't tell I had it on.. Now pale almond does that for me --- PALE FRIGIN ALMOND. Sheesh. What does that tell you?

So, that's my plan. I figure whatever cancer comes back to bite me in the ass or any thing else God wishes to through at me I'll be ready phyiscally for it. Plus, I'd rather be able to say I did it then I should've or I wish I did.

This is the time to do it. As the song says, sometimes a second chance is the best thing. This is my second chance for myself. I wish me good luck lol.

"For the life of me, I cannot remember, what made us think we were wise and we'd never compromise..." -Verve Pipe, Freshman

I was going through my myspace account today, updating and changing things when I decided that I wanted to send a Hi comment to some of my friends. Being the lazy person that I am instead of going to their individual pages I went straight to my comments and starting to surf through and pick the people I'd say "hi" to. While I was doing this I learned that myspace keeps up to two years of comments which is awesome and second that I had some real random times with certain people back when I was college that I must say I do miss. I feel like after being home for two years that even those who live on the island with me I don't see that much. My life no longer revolves around school, friends, and feeding people and of course the green guy. Now my life revolves around teaching, night school, Pete, the gym and no little green guy. I kinda miss the days of Geneseo when I had a little bubble of my own to call home. I could do whatever I wanted with no care in the world with no need to worry about anyone but really myself. Now, it's a completely different story. I have to worry about my students, my family, my boyfriend, and a couple of my friends who I've kept close. I have to worry about myself too on top of all that, and I wonder why I gained the weight that I did. I've been stretch out too thin in terms of my needs but where can I do? Forget people and think about myself? Yeah right, for those of you who know me knows that that is impossible. I can't help think about people, even the ones who I haven't spoken to in years. My life is as complicated as ever and the only good thing that has come of it is having a 4.0 GPA for my masters program and a couple of friends who granted are MIA a lot but I least I know both of them are here on the island with me and I have a Pete. Granted, he is a pain in my ass and a lot of times I want to bitch slap him upside the head but if you take that away from the equation he does take good care of me and he does try at least not to be a butt head all the time.

However, even with that I still feel locked in a cage with my wings clipped since I've been home and I want to badly escape.

what to do

How do I make a decision here. I could weigh all the pro's and con's, but what happens if I come with an even number? Or worse, more con's? Really what am I to do?

There are two sides to every story, I know this better then any one.Bur how can I be in this situation and be the only one who can see both sides of the coin? Why should I be? Haven't I been through enough this year? Am I just suppose to keep going? What if I don't want to?

I'm tired of it all. I truly feel that no one, no one at all really cares. I surround myself with such selfish people and I'm the one who has to bend, I'm the one has to be forgiving and move on, I have to the be the understanding one. How about someone understanding me? How about seeing things from my perspective? How about .... I don't know. Loving me the way I deserve to be loved?

_____

I live every day in secret. I have a double life. I live the life every one else sees and the one that is truly going inside of me. Every day I worry about the disease that runs through my veins and every day I fear is another day closer to death. It's a constant struggle to keep myself on track, to achieve higher, to not deal with the truths that I need to be perfect or others will leave me and that death is coming. I have known both for a long time now. I have tried hard to ignore them but it's hard to and I can't any longer. I need to leave to avoid being left and death is down the road making it's way to my house, to my bedroom.

No one knows. But I do. I can feel it getting closer now. I have tempted fate because I tried to ignore it and enjoy life. My selfishness is going to cost me. Next month's test will tell me if I am still diseased and the results will be yes. Within weeks, I will under go other tests that will show the mutations and finally, dealing with the cancer growing inside me. And in that moment, I will be truly living a double life. Only I will know the truth because even those in the loop will not be in that one. Cancer is a battle one fights on their own and that's how it will be done.

So the only one question remains... should I make the loop that holds a few hold only me? =/

You hurt me =(

You really did.
And what's worst is I can't tell you because I know you won't hear me.
In one swooping moment my world was shattered by one shelfish act.
If only I was the selfish one. I would be able to step back, see the bigger picture,
truly assess what I have and decided on the right thing to do. Stay.

But the selfish act wasn't mine to make and I'm left here now with doubts and a pain in my chest and head that just won't quit.

I can't go back. Things now have forever changed. What I don't understand though is why is it with every one in my life at some point or another they allow others to take such control over them that I'm the one who gets shitted on. I'm the who runs to every one's call. I'm the one who stands by and is the pillar of strength needed, the voice of reason, the understanding one. I even dare, I say it, admire me at times. So why am I the one getting shitted on? Why does every thing fall onto me that force me to be in such pain and have no way of letting it out, outside of writing it down.

The answer is simple. I don't know why. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I know what it truly feels like to be alone. The truth is, a long time ago, I would actually cried myself asleep from the fear of being alone. So, now the question is, am I settling? Is this really what I want? Do I want to have to worry about being left behind? Or worse, being forced to walk away?

I don't know. I love him too much to let him go. So which way do I go? =(