How do I make a decision here. I could weigh all the pro's and con's, but what happens if I come with an even number? Or worse, more con's? Really what am I to do?
There are two sides to every story, I know this better then any one.Bur how can I be in this situation and be the only one who can see both sides of the coin? Why should I be? Haven't I been through enough this year? Am I just suppose to keep going? What if I don't want to?
I'm tired of it all. I truly feel that no one, no one at all really cares. I surround myself with such selfish people and I'm the one who has to bend, I'm the one has to be forgiving and move on, I have to the be the understanding one. How about someone understanding me? How about seeing things from my perspective? How about .... I don't know. Loving me the way I deserve to be loved?
_____
I live every day in secret. I have a double life. I live the life every one else sees and the one that is truly going inside of me. Every day I worry about the disease that runs through my veins and every day I fear is another day closer to death. It's a constant struggle to keep myself on track, to achieve higher, to not deal with the truths that I need to be perfect or others will leave me and that death is coming. I have known both for a long time now. I have tried hard to ignore them but it's hard to and I can't any longer. I need to leave to avoid being left and death is down the road making it's way to my house, to my bedroom.
No one knows. But I do. I can feel it getting closer now. I have tempted fate because I tried to ignore it and enjoy life. My selfishness is going to cost me. Next month's test will tell me if I am still diseased and the results will be yes. Within weeks, I will under go other tests that will show the mutations and finally, dealing with the cancer growing inside me. And in that moment, I will be truly living a double life. Only I will know the truth because even those in the loop will not be in that one. Cancer is a battle one fights on their own and that's how it will be done.
So the only one question remains... should I make the loop that holds a few hold only me? =/
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
You hurt me =(
You really did.
And what's worst is I can't tell you because I know you won't hear me.
In one swooping moment my world was shattered by one shelfish act.
If only I was the selfish one. I would be able to step back, see the bigger picture,
truly assess what I have and decided on the right thing to do. Stay.
But the selfish act wasn't mine to make and I'm left here now with doubts and a pain in my chest and head that just won't quit.
I can't go back. Things now have forever changed. What I don't understand though is why is it with every one in my life at some point or another they allow others to take such control over them that I'm the one who gets shitted on. I'm the who runs to every one's call. I'm the one who stands by and is the pillar of strength needed, the voice of reason, the understanding one. I even dare, I say it, admire me at times. So why am I the one getting shitted on? Why does every thing fall onto me that force me to be in such pain and have no way of letting it out, outside of writing it down.
The answer is simple. I don't know why. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I know what it truly feels like to be alone. The truth is, a long time ago, I would actually cried myself asleep from the fear of being alone. So, now the question is, am I settling? Is this really what I want? Do I want to have to worry about being left behind? Or worse, being forced to walk away?
I don't know. I love him too much to let him go. So which way do I go? =(
And what's worst is I can't tell you because I know you won't hear me.
In one swooping moment my world was shattered by one shelfish act.
If only I was the selfish one. I would be able to step back, see the bigger picture,
truly assess what I have and decided on the right thing to do. Stay.
But the selfish act wasn't mine to make and I'm left here now with doubts and a pain in my chest and head that just won't quit.
I can't go back. Things now have forever changed. What I don't understand though is why is it with every one in my life at some point or another they allow others to take such control over them that I'm the one who gets shitted on. I'm the who runs to every one's call. I'm the one who stands by and is the pillar of strength needed, the voice of reason, the understanding one. I even dare, I say it, admire me at times. So why am I the one getting shitted on? Why does every thing fall onto me that force me to be in such pain and have no way of letting it out, outside of writing it down.
The answer is simple. I don't know why. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I know what it truly feels like to be alone. The truth is, a long time ago, I would actually cried myself asleep from the fear of being alone. So, now the question is, am I settling? Is this really what I want? Do I want to have to worry about being left behind? Or worse, being forced to walk away?
I don't know. I love him too much to let him go. So which way do I go? =(
Monday, September 22, 2008
Ever have the feeling that you were loosening yourself? That the fears you feared the most were on the brink of coming true and there was nothing that you can do to stop them?
That's how I felt this weekend. In one swooping moment, I lost it all. I lost my temper, I lost my love, I lost myself.
How did I get this far? I feel like every time I take two steps forward, I'm taking at least three steps back. If only I knew how to take more without loosing so many.
The answer: 1 step at a time.
Seriously. I'm always too busy trying to cut corners to get to my goal quicker but in the end, it's not about the steps you take that matter but the ones you didn't. It's those that come to bite you in the ass later.
That's how I felt this weekend. In one swooping moment, I lost it all. I lost my temper, I lost my love, I lost myself.
How did I get this far? I feel like every time I take two steps forward, I'm taking at least three steps back. If only I knew how to take more without loosing so many.
The answer: 1 step at a time.
Seriously. I'm always too busy trying to cut corners to get to my goal quicker but in the end, it's not about the steps you take that matter but the ones you didn't. It's those that come to bite you in the ass later.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Bull Crap
So I'm the one at fault. I'm the one who got Jodie heated in an agrument. I'm the one who should've known better. I'm the one who has to smarter next time. No one if in a heated discussion position at birds eye view can have preferial vision because they are too focused in a discussion.
Bull Crap.
One, I am not at fault. Two, he is not my child. Three, I don't care who started it, both of you's can shut up and walk away not just one of you's. Fourth, if I can have preferial vision in a heated argument even in a serve emotional state when the baby is around, then any one can and it's pure pull crap to sit here and point the finger at me.
Bull Crap.
One, I am not at fault. Two, he is not my child. Three, I don't care who started it, both of you's can shut up and walk away not just one of you's. Fourth, if I can have preferial vision in a heated argument even in a serve emotional state when the baby is around, then any one can and it's pure pull crap to sit here and point the finger at me.
Memories
My Best Birthday
I turned 23. You were expecting 5, right? Well, I'm sorry, but you'd be wrong. Mine was lucky old number 23. Why 23? Well, for starters I was finally over being 22 and old, and now I got to be 23 and older, whew I thought I was going to have deal with the rest of my life saying I was "22 and old". =P
The day though was perfect, it really didn't matter how old I was turning. It was a Friday, my birthday weekend; and the weekend started with a beautiful sky and warm shockingly for Geneseo. I wore a black cute tank top and white skirt. Yes, a WHITE Skirt. Emphasis on the white and most defintely the skirt. No one has ever known me to ever do that unless I felt really, really good, and looked really really hot. I even straighten my hair for the occasion. I look great and no one recognized me at first, which is always amazing. I love it when that happens. I had even my closet male friends saying I looked goood. lol.
So after my one class of the day, I headed over to Pete's to meet up with every body. I loved my brothers because when I got there, there were 'presents' glore and a little party going on in my celebration. During this time Meredith and I were close and she had come up for my birthday. She suprised me with flowers and it was great. That night we had an open in my honor =)
Saturday was very good, though I had to bring Meredith to the airport which I wished at the time should would've been able to stay longer. Stupid air plane ticket. Though it did give me and Becky some lovely quality time together. =) That evening I went to a benefit gathering that Pete was doing for class followed by good times at the Crow House. The only clitch was getting my period right as we got back to the house. Thank God Emily at the time was living with Pete so I was saved. The party was pretty good though I did what I was accustomed to doing that year; hang out with Pete, Vince and Emily, Jimmy and one random person (from Crows- non crows). I loved it when life comprised of that. Though that night we all got together outside in front of a lovely fire that Pete and Vince built. We watched a So, needless to say I slept over, I didn't feel like walking back to the dorm. I wanted to be lazy =P
Sunday, was the greatest! This was the ultimate reason why number 23 will go down in the history books. When I awoke I was greeted so nicely. I was made comfortable on my couch that I had slept on, and was given the remote. For the entire day I got to relax while I had my period with one of pete's pillows and my favorite blanket I stole from Aaron (unintentionally, a totally different story), watching whatever I wanted in Pete's room. It was great! And where was Pete, Vince, Jimmy, Emily, and a few of the other brother's? They were all in the living room watching what they wanted to watch while Pete brewed me some special tea he had been creating for months for my birthday. And here is the kicker, after it was ready to drink, it was served to me with a little honey, and every body came into Pete's room to hang out with me while we drank the tea and watched Neverland starring Johnny Depp. Now that is an awesome birthday! Who could beat being served on and encourage to just relax and watch your favorite birthday present with 5 guys and of course one girfriend (not mine, Pete's) all while drinking tea with them. =)
That was a great birhtday. I must say =)
I turned 23. You were expecting 5, right? Well, I'm sorry, but you'd be wrong. Mine was lucky old number 23. Why 23? Well, for starters I was finally over being 22 and old, and now I got to be 23 and older, whew I thought I was going to have deal with the rest of my life saying I was "22 and old". =P
The day though was perfect, it really didn't matter how old I was turning. It was a Friday, my birthday weekend; and the weekend started with a beautiful sky and warm shockingly for Geneseo. I wore a black cute tank top and white skirt. Yes, a WHITE Skirt. Emphasis on the white and most defintely the skirt. No one has ever known me to ever do that unless I felt really, really good, and looked really really hot. I even straighten my hair for the occasion. I look great and no one recognized me at first, which is always amazing. I love it when that happens. I had even my closet male friends saying I looked goood. lol.
So after my one class of the day, I headed over to Pete's to meet up with every body. I loved my brothers because when I got there, there were 'presents' glore and a little party going on in my celebration. During this time Meredith and I were close and she had come up for my birthday. She suprised me with flowers and it was great. That night we had an open in my honor =)
Saturday was very good, though I had to bring Meredith to the airport which I wished at the time should would've been able to stay longer. Stupid air plane ticket. Though it did give me and Becky some lovely quality time together. =) That evening I went to a benefit gathering that Pete was doing for class followed by good times at the Crow House. The only clitch was getting my period right as we got back to the house. Thank God Emily at the time was living with Pete so I was saved. The party was pretty good though I did what I was accustomed to doing that year; hang out with Pete, Vince and Emily, Jimmy and one random person (from Crows- non crows). I loved it when life comprised of that. Though that night we all got together outside in front of a lovely fire that Pete and Vince built. We watched a So, needless to say I slept over, I didn't feel like walking back to the dorm. I wanted to be lazy =P
Sunday, was the greatest! This was the ultimate reason why number 23 will go down in the history books. When I awoke I was greeted so nicely. I was made comfortable on my couch that I had slept on, and was given the remote. For the entire day I got to relax while I had my period with one of pete's pillows and my favorite blanket I stole from Aaron (unintentionally, a totally different story), watching whatever I wanted in Pete's room. It was great! And where was Pete, Vince, Jimmy, Emily, and a few of the other brother's? They were all in the living room watching what they wanted to watch while Pete brewed me some special tea he had been creating for months for my birthday. And here is the kicker, after it was ready to drink, it was served to me with a little honey, and every body came into Pete's room to hang out with me while we drank the tea and watched Neverland starring Johnny Depp. Now that is an awesome birthday! Who could beat being served on and encourage to just relax and watch your favorite birthday present with 5 guys and of course one girfriend (not mine, Pete's) all while drinking tea with them. =)
That was a great birhtday. I must say =)
Friday, September 5, 2008
My Snuggle Buddies
God, I miss them! They were simple awesome! Seriously. These were the people no matter when you saw them they were sweet and whenever you were down they let you lean on them, literally. I have to say I did have a lot of snuggle buddies but I swear if you lay or sit with them and snuggled, omg, it was simply lovely. I would feel ten times better no matter what it was. My snuggle buddies loved me and they let me snuggle on them whenever I wanted. =) I love my snuggle buddies. =)
~My Snuggle Buddies~
Bobby
Becky
Andrea
Chewy
Alyssa
Michelle
Rowena
Andy
Pete
Vince
Powers
Dave
Erica
Greg
Kristy
Tommy
Ryan
Gabby
Vivian
Laurie
Carrie
Sammy
Andy
Townsen
Tim
Timmy
Smiley
Holly
Mego
Wemson
Sarah
Banana
Wendy
K-Hoff
JIll
*Jesse
Brian*
Pat
Bj
Aaron
Mr. Peek
Jeff
Chris
Birthday Sharers
Evil Twin
Brendan
Booty
Monkey
Little
Julie
Beth
Kris Kris
Marty
Brendon
Chuck
Jones Boys
more to come.....maybe =
lol.
__
It's the little things I notice.
God, I miss them! They were simple awesome! Seriously. These were the people no matter when you saw them they were sweet and whenever you were down they let you lean on them, literally. I have to say I did have a lot of snuggle buddies but I swear if you lay or sit with them and snuggled, omg, it was simply lovely. I would feel ten times better no matter what it was. My snuggle buddies loved me and they let me snuggle on them whenever I wanted. =) I love my snuggle buddies. =)
~My Snuggle Buddies~
Bobby
Becky
Andrea
Chewy
Alyssa
Michelle
Rowena
Andy
Pete
Vince
Powers
Dave
Erica
Greg
Kristy
Tommy
Ryan
Gabby
Vivian
Laurie
Carrie
Sammy
Andy
Townsen
Tim
Timmy
Smiley
Holly
Mego
Wemson
Sarah
Banana
Wendy
K-Hoff
JIll
*Jesse
Brian*
Pat
Bj
Aaron
Mr. Peek
Jeff
Chris
Birthday Sharers
Evil Twin
Brendan
Booty
Monkey
Little
Julie
Beth
Kris Kris
Marty
Brendon
Chuck
Jones Boys
more to come.....maybe =
lol.
__
It's the little things I notice.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Accidents Happen
Some people would say "they hate to say this" but the truth is accidents happen. That's what life is all about. If we were to know what was going to happen we'd call it literature. Though the two have been known to follow the other.
Anyway you slice it though, there is a lot going on that we don't know even in our most sacred and intimate lives, something will always go a skew. Why? What's the point? How come I have to be better the rest and know more? Is there really some reason to go through all that?
For me, my answer is yes. I think certain aspects of our lives happen in order for us to deal with what's to come as well as believe that in order to understand is a capability of growing and aspiring into something more grander then any possible design originally imagined. In terms of the literally sense of living each pain, suffering, and heartache is complete bullshit. I'd most definitely would prefer a much more peaceful life. Unfortunately though, without all that pain and suffering we wouldn't be human. The one difference that separates us from other mammals and creatures in general, is our capability to experience these things. No creature other than human needs to survive on it. All they need is food, shelter, and for some a communal environment. The actual experience(s) is uniquely to humans. Gotta love being us. =)
_____________________________________________________________
Short Stories
Hmm....short story... short story. You know, I need some inspiration. I can't write a short story without some inspiration. Do you have some music playing? What are you thinking?
I'm thinking yes and maybe no. I'm not too sure. I'm just guessing here. But short story... short story. Would you like it about life, beauty or love? How about none of the above and take something a little more daring? I bet you would like that. Hmm...
I got it. There was once this bullfrog who loved to drink wine. He always had some very mighty fine wine. *smile* No? Heard that one before? I know. There is a song with that same story. I never said I wrote original.
Irony anybody?
So, how long should the story be? Short can mean many different things to different people. This here could be considered short. Longer better. How about the story itself? Should it be a traditional story with a beginning, climax, and ending, with a simple theme? Or, could I go any way I become inspired? Letting the words just flow straight through me, surprisingly making some what sense or better yet, hide it in a garble of words. Enigma! Genius! I got it! Ready?!
. . . . Lost it. So close. Hmm... short story....short story.
Some people would say "they hate to say this" but the truth is accidents happen. That's what life is all about. If we were to know what was going to happen we'd call it literature. Though the two have been known to follow the other.
Anyway you slice it though, there is a lot going on that we don't know even in our most sacred and intimate lives, something will always go a skew. Why? What's the point? How come I have to be better the rest and know more? Is there really some reason to go through all that?
For me, my answer is yes. I think certain aspects of our lives happen in order for us to deal with what's to come as well as believe that in order to understand is a capability of growing and aspiring into something more grander then any possible design originally imagined. In terms of the literally sense of living each pain, suffering, and heartache is complete bullshit. I'd most definitely would prefer a much more peaceful life. Unfortunately though, without all that pain and suffering we wouldn't be human. The one difference that separates us from other mammals and creatures in general, is our capability to experience these things. No creature other than human needs to survive on it. All they need is food, shelter, and for some a communal environment. The actual experience(s) is uniquely to humans. Gotta love being us. =)
_____________________________________________________________
Short Stories
Hmm....short story... short story. You know, I need some inspiration. I can't write a short story without some inspiration. Do you have some music playing? What are you thinking?
I'm thinking yes and maybe no. I'm not too sure. I'm just guessing here. But short story... short story. Would you like it about life, beauty or love? How about none of the above and take something a little more daring? I bet you would like that. Hmm...
I got it. There was once this bullfrog who loved to drink wine. He always had some very mighty fine wine. *smile* No? Heard that one before? I know. There is a song with that same story. I never said I wrote original.
Irony anybody?
So, how long should the story be? Short can mean many different things to different people. This here could be considered short. Longer better. How about the story itself? Should it be a traditional story with a beginning, climax, and ending, with a simple theme? Or, could I go any way I become inspired? Letting the words just flow straight through me, surprisingly making some what sense or better yet, hide it in a garble of words. Enigma! Genius! I got it! Ready?!
. . . . Lost it. So close. Hmm... short story....short story.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
A heart of gold But it lost *its* pride Beautiful veins And bloodshot eyes I see your face In another light Why'd you have to go And let it die Why'd you have to go And let it die Why'd you have to go And let it die In too deep And out of time Why'd you have to go And let it die A simple man And his blushing bride (Why'd you have to go And let it die) Intravenous Intertwined (Why'd you have to go And let it die) Hearts gone cold Your hands were tied (Why'd you have to go And let it die) Why'd you have to go And let it die (Why'd you have to go And let it die) Why'd you have to go And let it die In too deep And out of time Why'd you have to go And let it die Do you ever think of me You're so considerate Did you ever think of me Oh so considerate In too deep And lost in time Why'd you have to go And let it die Beautiful veins And bloodshot eyes Why'd you have to go And let it die Hearts gone cold And hands are tied Why'd you have to go And let it die Why'd you have to go And let it die Do you ever think of me You're so considerate Did you ever think of me Oh so considerate In too deep And lost in time Why'd you have to go And let it die Beautiful veins And bloodshot eyes Why'd you have to go And let it die Hearts gone cold And hands are tied Why'd you have to go And let it die.....
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The Cracked-Up Ramblings of a Stoner Mind.
It's true. I admit it. I've done the one thing you're not suppose to do. You're suppose to say no but you do it anyways. But I did it right. I played it smart. I started out with family and worked my way outward without forgetting where it started. Some how though, I lost my way.
It's nice to have it back. I really have enjoyed it. I must say that there is nothing quite like it in the world when someone looses themself. You start to question everything and anything. The slightest thing makes you afraid. You find yourself not being able to speak, act or move. A river turned mute. Stuck in the corner with no way out.
Trapt. And, that is exactly what it felt like. I still can't believe it happened like that. I can't believe I experienced or even lived through that. I should've died. I should've screwed myself royally. Some how, I don't know how, survived.
So why now am I writing about this? If I have survived, I should be able to move on right? Well, yes you're absolutely right, and I am. The way I do it is by getting it all out and letting the truth be told. Maybe it's all the death around me that has opt me to do this now at this particularly moment, but eventually it would all have to come out. I would just rather the truth be told by my words and not some body else's. No experience the memory the same way as I did and no ever had the same exact thought processes as me either.
It's true. I admit it. I've done the one thing you're not suppose to do. You're suppose to say no but you do it anyways. But I did it right. I played it smart. I started out with family and worked my way outward without forgetting where it started. Some how though, I lost my way.
It's nice to have it back. I really have enjoyed it. I must say that there is nothing quite like it in the world when someone looses themself. You start to question everything and anything. The slightest thing makes you afraid. You find yourself not being able to speak, act or move. A river turned mute. Stuck in the corner with no way out.
Trapt. And, that is exactly what it felt like. I still can't believe it happened like that. I can't believe I experienced or even lived through that. I should've died. I should've screwed myself royally. Some how, I don't know how, survived.
So why now am I writing about this? If I have survived, I should be able to move on right? Well, yes you're absolutely right, and I am. The way I do it is by getting it all out and letting the truth be told. Maybe it's all the death around me that has opt me to do this now at this particularly moment, but eventually it would all have to come out. I would just rather the truth be told by my words and not some body else's. No experience the memory the same way as I did and no ever had the same exact thought processes as me either.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The cracked up ramblings of a stoner's mind.
love
hope
compassion
self control
intellectual
opened minded
grateful
adaptive
thoughtful
The Biblical Breakdown.
Man -> Earth->God
Woman -> Man -> Earth-> God
Jesus-> Woman-> Man->Earth -> God
" -> God.
The truth.
It's a complete mystery in our minds. No one person shall ever know the true meaning until the precise moment when every thing becomes clear. Giving us the opportunity to what has been right in front of us all along. The truth is love. The truth is fear. The truth is acceptance and adaptation. The truth is in you.
my soul is breaking, I don't know what it is.
i feel it caving. I don't know what to do.
which rock is stronger? How do I choose?
no, not you, maybe you?
i loved you once
i love you still.
met by chance
pushed by fate
the one I always wanted
the one I couldn't wait,
the one I thought I'd never have
love fills me in an embrace
i don't want to let go
please don't leave
i lived this life a thousand times
each time with you accidentally by my side
i don't know how
but i do know i will
i know I will always love you.
hope
compassion
self control
intellectual
opened minded
grateful
adaptive
thoughtful
The Biblical Breakdown.
Man -> Earth->God
Woman -> Man -> Earth-> God
Jesus-> Woman-> Man->Earth -> God
" -> God.
The truth.
It's a complete mystery in our minds. No one person shall ever know the true meaning until the precise moment when every thing becomes clear. Giving us the opportunity to what has been right in front of us all along. The truth is love. The truth is fear. The truth is acceptance and adaptation. The truth is in you.
my soul is breaking, I don't know what it is.
i feel it caving. I don't know what to do.
which rock is stronger? How do I choose?
no, not you, maybe you?
i loved you once
i love you still.
met by chance
pushed by fate
the one I always wanted
the one I couldn't wait,
the one I thought I'd never have
love fills me in an embrace
i don't want to let go
please don't leave
i lived this life a thousand times
each time with you accidentally by my side
i don't know how
but i do know i will
i know I will always love you.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
When it's good, it's good, and when it's this good, it's your's.
You know what I love about being me? I love the fact that I can be sitting here right now on my bathroom floor typing away listening to the music play inside my head. Yes, Ladies & Gentlemen, I can hear music in my head, and yes the music does have words. Though I know at some point in your own life you've experienced the joys of getting to hear music with no electronically instrument. I know I certainly do. =) Though, I'm not going to lie, I really wish I left my headset in my jacket cause I don't want to get up and get re-comfortable in my room. All that work will surely make me tired enough to say, forget about it. I'll remember tomorrow. As you can see I don't even believe myself with that one (the remembering tomorrow part =P ).
So, what else do I love about me? Hmm. I love the fact that I am still an enigma and really happy that I am no longer that to myself. That road was a fun one I don't want to ever visit again. Once was enough, thank you. =) How am I an enigma you wonder? Well for starters, do you know what I mean by enigma? If the answer is yes, it means mystery. I'm still a mystery. Lies & Heresies! lol (you exclaim!) No really, I know it's hard to believe but it's true. Ready? I'll prove it to you. There are a few things that perfectly define me, but the only one that truly, in my opinion really describes me, and that's ironic. The funny thing is before I ever realized that word was ultimately me, I loved that word. I used it even as a basis of a theme for my 7th grade english paper on irony, I believe I got an A. =)
Anyways, the one thing you can always truly predict me to be is ironic. Now, here comes the interesting part, how is that a mystery? Well to the truth be told the mystery is in the irony. In what way or fashion am I going to be ironic? There are thousands upon thousands of ways for me to be the opposite of a thought outcome.
So see? I am mysterious. A beautiful enigma wrapped in a pretty bow. Who wouldn't want me? I know I surely do! =P
So, what else do I love about me? Hmm. I love the fact that I am still an enigma and really happy that I am no longer that to myself. That road was a fun one I don't want to ever visit again. Once was enough, thank you. =) How am I an enigma you wonder? Well for starters, do you know what I mean by enigma? If the answer is yes, it means mystery. I'm still a mystery. Lies & Heresies! lol (you exclaim!) No really, I know it's hard to believe but it's true. Ready? I'll prove it to you. There are a few things that perfectly define me, but the only one that truly, in my opinion really describes me, and that's ironic. The funny thing is before I ever realized that word was ultimately me, I loved that word. I used it even as a basis of a theme for my 7th grade english paper on irony, I believe I got an A. =)
Anyways, the one thing you can always truly predict me to be is ironic. Now, here comes the interesting part, how is that a mystery? Well to the truth be told the mystery is in the irony. In what way or fashion am I going to be ironic? There are thousands upon thousands of ways for me to be the opposite of a thought outcome.
So see? I am mysterious. A beautiful enigma wrapped in a pretty bow. Who wouldn't want me? I know I surely do! =P
Thursday, August 7, 2008
How do I know that God loves me? Lighting Bugs.
Why lighting bugs? Well for starters, even as a kid no matter what I was feeling or what is going on, if I saw a lighting bug, I would smile.
At this moment for me, things aren't going so great. Sure things are pretty ok, but not as a good as they should be and it's been this way for a while, and what I found funny and amazing is that since I started to feel this way, I've seen nothing but lighting bugs every where. This is no exaggeration. I don't think I've experience this many lighting bugs in all of my existence.
I had first spotted one as usually whenever I am home, one or two flying in the backyard. Next, was pretty normal too, I saw them in the front yard. But then, one landed on me while in Pete's work van with the windows up. After that one randomly landed on me in my bedroom. There was also it seemed like a hundred of them all over the place no matter where I went. It was an amazing. Lately though, they have slowed down in numbers which sadden me slightly but they're still out there for me to smile at. I still laugh though, because even though they have slowed, even during my most scared of times one can be randomly found sitting on my wall in a place where all I have to do is look up and smile.
That's how I know God loves me.
At this moment for me, things aren't going so great. Sure things are pretty ok, but not as a good as they should be and it's been this way for a while, and what I found funny and amazing is that since I started to feel this way, I've seen nothing but lighting bugs every where. This is no exaggeration. I don't think I've experience this many lighting bugs in all of my existence.
I had first spotted one as usually whenever I am home, one or two flying in the backyard. Next, was pretty normal too, I saw them in the front yard. But then, one landed on me while in Pete's work van with the windows up. After that one randomly landed on me in my bedroom. There was also it seemed like a hundred of them all over the place no matter where I went. It was an amazing. Lately though, they have slowed down in numbers which sadden me slightly but they're still out there for me to smile at. I still laugh though, because even though they have slowed, even during my most scared of times one can be randomly found sitting on my wall in a place where all I have to do is look up and smile.
That's how I know God loves me.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Good Times, Good Times.
The last weekend I went to Mariella's 3rd Birthday party. This is the first time I've seen my "niece" since she was born really. Her mother, Jen Bigelow, I haven't seen in a while though we've been friends for close to a decade. You know what I love most about my old friends is that no matter how long time has disappeared, when I reunite with them it's like I never left. Sure things are different but the original love and frienship is still there. It was wonderful to say the least. And nothing in the world could do a day spent with Jen justice then pictures! LoL, enjoy!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Fucker
I miss my fucker,
She was such a spit
I miss my fucker,
If you knew her,
You would too.
She'll make you laugh
Pee right through your pants
Oh God, I miss my fucker
I really do.
We used to laugh
We used to sing
Hell, we even used to ....
My fucker was the best,
She used to watch me eat
Not mind when my mind went a drift
Found humor in my injuries
Oh she was such a fucker.
Fucker.
=P
She was such a spit
I miss my fucker,
If you knew her,
You would too.
She'll make you laugh
Pee right through your pants
Oh God, I miss my fucker
I really do.
We used to laugh
We used to sing
Hell, we even used to ....
My fucker was the best,
She used to watch me eat
Not mind when my mind went a drift
Found humor in my injuries
Oh she was such a fucker.
Fucker.
=P
Memories
Sitting here in a cloud of sweeping in memories. I have to say that there are two times in my past that I would love to experience again for just one more night. If I ever could it would seriously mean the world to me and it would most likely bring back a long lost piece of me that sadly I'll never experience again other then in a memory.
So here goes to reliving.
The part of my life I would bring back first would be the time when I was a senior in high school and my friends and I had a secret bond. We all thought of each other as one and with out one of us there was always something missing. I remember one time when one member of the group had pointed out a set of three stars called Orion's Belt. It was a set of starts that made up the belt section of the Orion (Orion is a group of stars that look at as one resemble a hunter). And it was from that moment though of educating became our symbol. The four of us, look at this set of 3 starts (I know it would've been better if it was four but the thought makes up for it), as a symbol of us. No matter where we would go, no matter what happened. If we were separated all we had to do was look up and a see the belt and remember what it meant, remember we were.
I miss those days.
The second part of my life would be the year Pete, Palios, and I were a unit. It was always the three of us when it came down to relaxation and chillen with family. After a long day of school, people, things in general, it was always a great time. There was no negativity what so ever. Unless of course you count the numerous hits on the arms I would give them for making fun of me. lol. But hey, I look at this way. When you're friends with me you are subjected to three things and these things unfortunately you can do nothing about. And there are, my hugs, my massages and my random forms of violence. =D I full heartily believe that the first two make up the ladder. =P
It's true and I'm not that violent. At least not intentionally, all violence is brought upon you unless of course the random occasion when I just need to go punch for punch in the arm with someone and my brother is not around to do so. lol. Thanks Palios. You're the best! And Pete, you're just the best because your the best Italian Korean I have ever met. You knew what it meant to be me lol, well almost =P
See, I'm getting silly just writing about it. I'd have to say though thinking in retrospect here I think after everything I've been through in the past few years, I think I'd take the ladder first, former is too heartbreaking. What I mean is. The times spent with Pete and Noel we're great. Those two people always made me feel like a million bucks and knew how to get me to calm down and be less nervous. They both truly were my saving graces. The times before that spent in senior year, I loved dearly and just to experience it would be amazing but for me really it's something that I can never have back and I'm drawn to sadness with it. Though the initially thought of this entry, is one that doesn't cause me any sadness at all. I love that particular remainder of the that time. =)
Ok, it's bed time now. I gotta get up in the morning and shower, I'm too tired to do so and I don't want to disturb anyone either. Plus sleep sounds ten times better then shower. I must say I love having a job that I can take a shower in the morning for. lol.
Ohhhh Random! Before I go... My boss is already thinking long term with me and wants me to pretty much run his marketing after we get up and really running. =D Which, according to him comes with an incredible salary increase. =) How sweet is that? I'm already making 12 off the books, I couldn't imagine making more for pretty much creating things I like doing. =P
I'm telling you. I love my life right now. So many good things have been happening all in a matter of days really. I feel a fresh start coming... hmm.. can't wait!!!! Good Times are a head Good Times.
So here goes to reliving.
The part of my life I would bring back first would be the time when I was a senior in high school and my friends and I had a secret bond. We all thought of each other as one and with out one of us there was always something missing. I remember one time when one member of the group had pointed out a set of three stars called Orion's Belt. It was a set of starts that made up the belt section of the Orion (Orion is a group of stars that look at as one resemble a hunter). And it was from that moment though of educating became our symbol. The four of us, look at this set of 3 starts (I know it would've been better if it was four but the thought makes up for it), as a symbol of us. No matter where we would go, no matter what happened. If we were separated all we had to do was look up and a see the belt and remember what it meant, remember we were.
I miss those days.
The second part of my life would be the year Pete, Palios, and I were a unit. It was always the three of us when it came down to relaxation and chillen with family. After a long day of school, people, things in general, it was always a great time. There was no negativity what so ever. Unless of course you count the numerous hits on the arms I would give them for making fun of me. lol. But hey, I look at this way. When you're friends with me you are subjected to three things and these things unfortunately you can do nothing about. And there are, my hugs, my massages and my random forms of violence. =D I full heartily believe that the first two make up the ladder. =P
It's true and I'm not that violent. At least not intentionally, all violence is brought upon you unless of course the random occasion when I just need to go punch for punch in the arm with someone and my brother is not around to do so. lol. Thanks Palios. You're the best! And Pete, you're just the best because your the best Italian Korean I have ever met. You knew what it meant to be me lol, well almost =P
See, I'm getting silly just writing about it. I'd have to say though thinking in retrospect here I think after everything I've been through in the past few years, I think I'd take the ladder first, former is too heartbreaking. What I mean is. The times spent with Pete and Noel we're great. Those two people always made me feel like a million bucks and knew how to get me to calm down and be less nervous. They both truly were my saving graces. The times before that spent in senior year, I loved dearly and just to experience it would be amazing but for me really it's something that I can never have back and I'm drawn to sadness with it. Though the initially thought of this entry, is one that doesn't cause me any sadness at all. I love that particular remainder of the that time. =)
Ok, it's bed time now. I gotta get up in the morning and shower, I'm too tired to do so and I don't want to disturb anyone either. Plus sleep sounds ten times better then shower. I must say I love having a job that I can take a shower in the morning for. lol.
Ohhhh Random! Before I go... My boss is already thinking long term with me and wants me to pretty much run his marketing after we get up and really running. =D Which, according to him comes with an incredible salary increase. =) How sweet is that? I'm already making 12 off the books, I couldn't imagine making more for pretty much creating things I like doing. =P
I'm telling you. I love my life right now. So many good things have been happening all in a matter of days really. I feel a fresh start coming... hmm.. can't wait!!!! Good Times are a head Good Times.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Revelations... Random.
So I'm waiting for Jodie to come because the night time gym portion of my life is commencing today. I told her to come here after work if she wanted to go if not, I'm going without her. She agreed so now I'm waiting.
So while I'm waiting, I decided to read through my blogs, by month of course and reading the shorter ones bc I lack the focus to read the big ones, and well, I'm come to realize that I have been pretty pissed off for a long time, since about January actually. I was even saying the same thing I am now back in March, and really my life up until maybe a month ago has been a melodrama or soap opera. I walked around on eggshells around my perimeter, which I am proud of myself for such a good use of language, by perimeter I mean my own house, world, etc. And this is the first time since I've been home that I haven't had to do that. This is the first time since I've been home that friendships that ended at no fault of mine didn't bother me. This is the first time I didn't think of myself as sick and dying (possibly, the jury is still out on both). In this moment, while I'm typing these words the only feeling I have is happy. I'm happy. I'm excited. I feel good. This is all so strange. I was reading words that I wrote about how angry I was and I didn't know why. Fighting with people who I didn't want to fight with. Feeling disconnected and wanting to get back to nature, to my roots, to me. Dealing with body issues because I felt like I had no life. And in the past few days I've seen people I don't normally get to see, I've done things that I normally don't get to do, and I'm enjoying myself. Finally I'm starting to feel good and I have hope.
And that is exactly what feels different now. I didn't have any of that up until this point. I felt trapped and now I don't.
I have hope. That is indeed a miracle. Especially since I lost hope repeatedly so many times this year and I've been dealing with that loss for so long. But that's over now.
I have hope, and I am happy. =)
So while I'm waiting, I decided to read through my blogs, by month of course and reading the shorter ones bc I lack the focus to read the big ones, and well, I'm come to realize that I have been pretty pissed off for a long time, since about January actually. I was even saying the same thing I am now back in March, and really my life up until maybe a month ago has been a melodrama or soap opera. I walked around on eggshells around my perimeter, which I am proud of myself for such a good use of language, by perimeter I mean my own house, world, etc. And this is the first time since I've been home that I haven't had to do that. This is the first time since I've been home that friendships that ended at no fault of mine didn't bother me. This is the first time I didn't think of myself as sick and dying (possibly, the jury is still out on both). In this moment, while I'm typing these words the only feeling I have is happy. I'm happy. I'm excited. I feel good. This is all so strange. I was reading words that I wrote about how angry I was and I didn't know why. Fighting with people who I didn't want to fight with. Feeling disconnected and wanting to get back to nature, to my roots, to me. Dealing with body issues because I felt like I had no life. And in the past few days I've seen people I don't normally get to see, I've done things that I normally don't get to do, and I'm enjoying myself. Finally I'm starting to feel good and I have hope.
And that is exactly what feels different now. I didn't have any of that up until this point. I felt trapped and now I don't.
I have hope. That is indeed a miracle. Especially since I lost hope repeatedly so many times this year and I've been dealing with that loss for so long. But that's over now.
I have hope, and I am happy. =)
Footloose...
"I'm cutting footloose.... Jack get back.... Everybody cut Footloose!"
That is my motivation song for the month. I heard it today and I was like, "God I love this song!" lol. And now it's my myspace song and soon it'll be my jam at the gym which I'm hoping i get a copy of it downloaded onto my phone before my sister gets here. =)
I just saw Mama Mia with my mama today, it was great. I love having little dates with her. We went out for "breakfast" dinner and then to the movies. I treated bc well I'm old enough to and I love being able to do that. It makes me feel good inside and I'm finally doing some things that I love to do with no worry about anything else. I don't know why but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder (i think it's the song, it puts me in a good mood) lol.
Last night was EXCELLENT too. I got to hang out with Palios and holy shit that man had me in stitches. I don't think I laughed that hard or for that long in years it feels like. I'm SO glad he's home, life is going to go back to being sucky when he leaves me the bastard. But he's only got one year left in Gtown and then he's all mine forever! lol. Well as long as he's stays on long island. OMG, yesterday was HILARIOUS! The baby met him and the baby came RUNNING into my room to get me to bring me out to see him. Once he saw me hug Noel, that was it. The baby LOVED me like LOVED ME. He hugged me, kissed me, he would run away and come back and just fall all over me like "she's spoken for and she's mine" =) lol.. it was such the cutest thing! He even tried to show off by the way he was drinking his from his sippy cup. He was putting his head back like "See what I can do" and then he went and laid down on the kitchen floor and was like "see, this is my house, I can do whatever I want" and then he jump up and kiss me again!! It was so weird of him. We all laughed bc normally the only man he ever sees me with is Pete and whenever Pete is there it's like "fuck you Aunt Crystal, I see you all the time, I NEVER see him" and *boom* there he goes off like a rocket to Peter. lol. I guess he got his back. lol. OOOOHHH wait the BEST PART was when I said good-bye, the baby took my hand and Noel's and walked us to the door and then proceeding to try to leave with us. My dad called him our little chaperon lol. Isn't that cute??? He doesn't realize who Noel is in relations to me, and for whatever reason I guess he wanted to make sure that Noel would have to realize that the baby and I are a package. LMAO. Not even my baby and he's doing that lol.
The other night I saw Batman. It was interesting. I still can't believe that was Health Ledger. My mom was telling me that she read it was because of the role that made him kinda looney at the end at that actually Jack Nicholson had the same type of experience and had commented that if he had known Health was taking on that role he would've sought out to speak to him to let him know in advance what could possibly happen. Even though he's version was a completely different Joker, that role for whatever reason, fucks with your head. I feel bad for him but let me tell you, the movie was great and Health was amazing as the Joker. If you're afraid of clowns, he'll fuck you up. Truly.
I found this month ironic. The beginning of this month was the first time in over a year I went ot the movies and I was averaging a movie maybe once a year (depending on what came out around my birthday in Geneseo) and in this month along I have seen 5 movies, one I have seen twice. Can you believe it?? I haven't gone this much to the movies since I was dating what's his face back in high school. Him and I used to go to the movies ALL the time and then after him I never really went any more. I actually went tonight to our old theater which I haven't been to in years either and it was interesting the memories I was having. We used to always get there early so we could get the tickets and play Cruisin the car game. We'd play like three races of it and then get popcorn and then go to the movie. Sometimes we'd skip the popcorn and just play the car game until it was time for the previews to start. We always liked to go to the movies a while after something was out that way it was safe to play 3 or 4 rounds of Cruisin and find decent seats in the back. I miss being that young lol. It was about 9 years ago those times and it feels like a millennium ago. I guess I'm finally getting old. Sheesh. lol.
Well, it's about 10:30 and Jodie should be getting out soon and heading her way to here so I gotta get ready. Fun times, Fun times.
Laters =)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Hello Summer.... Nice Circle. =)
It is officially as of 2:30pm today, I have entered my summer vacation. I never seem to escape having one. All my life, come June 25, 26. 27, I say HELLO SUMMER! I also remember my friends and I chanting "No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks" lol Except now, I'm not the student but the teacher. And I have no idea what they're talking about with dirty looks, I never give any of my students that. =P
It's an interesting circle though to say the least, and I'm not saying that because I'm the teacher. I'm saying that because all those summers came after a school year at Sachem. Now, here I am, once again back with my old childhood chum though at least this time I'm getting paid for it (for a good part of the year anyways). =) I must admit though, it is nice to come back and being in a different building other than the ones I knew and loved, is a nice change. It's like coming home with a new scenery. Everything is still there just the foliage is different and couple of new things have sprouted up. Interesting enough, the same thing can be said about my life. Just like my old school days what I thought would be there still, or at least hoped for, isn't. The friends I loved for closed to a decade are no more, the man I thought I was marrying has gone off and married some one else and the curriculum of my life has changed to a slow pace in order to appreciate the days of youth spent with a child that is not mine lol. But I'm not sad. Not anymore anyways. I will admit there were times were I was like "what the fuck!?" and the realization that I didn't mean at all that much to some any more who still meant the world to me, really took a chunk out of me that is still healing. But I'm ok. I took comfort in those who for a shorter amount of time have never strayed and even with the same obstacles or slightly different versions in front of them still stayed true, and I am grateful to God for that. I think if I didn't have them I wouldn't have survived that type of disappointment, shame and grief. I also thank him for having repeated offenders in my past to prepared me for today, or I should say yesterday's present. Thanks God. I don't know what I would've done without you. I know I surely wouldn't be here right now praising you. =)
Outside of those things though, I do feel like I have come into a warped kind of full circle. I have a loving boyfriend, who replaced the old one I had, who is also more legit then the previous. Around 2012, I have a feeling we will be hearing wedding bells and me with very cold feet and him with a knot the size of watermelon in his stomach. (hehe). Needless to say though, it's already written in the stars and I'm glad that this is for real this time.
The school thing is an obvious circle though not complete, but it's ok, it'll still fits into my plans. =) Sometimes though I do wonder if I stood home what would've been... but then I think about all the wonders I found in Geneseo and I'm glad I went. =)
Friends, well that's obvious. Though I am still dragging my foot with that one. Note I said foot not feet on purpose. I got one already running down the block and the other still at the end of the driveway. Some things are hard to let go probably because there was no real closure but that's what happens when I care too much and it's not reciprocated. If it were, I'd probably have both feet with me right now. Oh well. Enough on that.
SO SUMMER... Summer of love? Sure, Peter and I are going to go far, far away and have a wonderful time alone in paradise where no one will find me for quite some time and when they do I will be the one glowing with a huge ass smile on her face =) God I love that man, he's so good to me.
Summer of fun? Most likely. I have plans for fishing, camping, visiting some awesome friends in PA (you two know who you are!) and working my tush off to get my tush back lol. I know that doesn't sound like fun but I gotta say I love working out. Plus, I wanna see what I'm really capable of this time around. I got so far a decade ago with less focus, this time I wanna see where my real plateau is. That kind of competition should be interesting. (Note: I know that's not that exciting reading but trust me with the right kind of mind and music, and of course gym buddy that stuff can be! =) )
Summer of sleep? Haha! Yea right! I'm going to be working days at my massage therapist's office. Yes I said MY MASSAGE THERAPIST. lol. He needed help, I needed a summer job, seeing how I'm pretty much one myself, hey works for me. (Summer job... ah makes me feel like a kid again, lol) Then afterwards coming home to babysit the baby, gotta love him, then of course from M-F gym after the baby leaves, then the weekends with Pete. I'm never going to sleep! lol Well maybe at Pete's I will. hehe =)
Ah summer... Please, Please, I beg of you go slow as possible! I'm going to miss teaching but I don't want September to come that quickly nor do I want to start being a student again that quickly too. (Grad school starts then twice a week, joy).
Yep full circle, almost... Hello Summer 2008. =)
It's an interesting circle though to say the least, and I'm not saying that because I'm the teacher. I'm saying that because all those summers came after a school year at Sachem. Now, here I am, once again back with my old childhood chum though at least this time I'm getting paid for it (for a good part of the year anyways). =) I must admit though, it is nice to come back and being in a different building other than the ones I knew and loved, is a nice change. It's like coming home with a new scenery. Everything is still there just the foliage is different and couple of new things have sprouted up. Interesting enough, the same thing can be said about my life. Just like my old school days what I thought would be there still, or at least hoped for, isn't. The friends I loved for closed to a decade are no more, the man I thought I was marrying has gone off and married some one else and the curriculum of my life has changed to a slow pace in order to appreciate the days of youth spent with a child that is not mine lol. But I'm not sad. Not anymore anyways. I will admit there were times were I was like "what the fuck!?" and the realization that I didn't mean at all that much to some any more who still meant the world to me, really took a chunk out of me that is still healing. But I'm ok. I took comfort in those who for a shorter amount of time have never strayed and even with the same obstacles or slightly different versions in front of them still stayed true, and I am grateful to God for that. I think if I didn't have them I wouldn't have survived that type of disappointment, shame and grief. I also thank him for having repeated offenders in my past to prepared me for today, or I should say yesterday's present. Thanks God. I don't know what I would've done without you. I know I surely wouldn't be here right now praising you. =)
Outside of those things though, I do feel like I have come into a warped kind of full circle. I have a loving boyfriend, who replaced the old one I had, who is also more legit then the previous. Around 2012, I have a feeling we will be hearing wedding bells and me with very cold feet and him with a knot the size of watermelon in his stomach. (hehe). Needless to say though, it's already written in the stars and I'm glad that this is for real this time.
The school thing is an obvious circle though not complete, but it's ok, it'll still fits into my plans. =) Sometimes though I do wonder if I stood home what would've been... but then I think about all the wonders I found in Geneseo and I'm glad I went. =)
Friends, well that's obvious. Though I am still dragging my foot with that one. Note I said foot not feet on purpose. I got one already running down the block and the other still at the end of the driveway. Some things are hard to let go probably because there was no real closure but that's what happens when I care too much and it's not reciprocated. If it were, I'd probably have both feet with me right now. Oh well. Enough on that.
SO SUMMER... Summer of love? Sure, Peter and I are going to go far, far away and have a wonderful time alone in paradise where no one will find me for quite some time and when they do I will be the one glowing with a huge ass smile on her face =) God I love that man, he's so good to me.
Summer of fun? Most likely. I have plans for fishing, camping, visiting some awesome friends in PA (you two know who you are!) and working my tush off to get my tush back lol. I know that doesn't sound like fun but I gotta say I love working out. Plus, I wanna see what I'm really capable of this time around. I got so far a decade ago with less focus, this time I wanna see where my real plateau is. That kind of competition should be interesting. (Note: I know that's not that exciting reading but trust me with the right kind of mind and music, and of course gym buddy that stuff can be! =) )
Summer of sleep? Haha! Yea right! I'm going to be working days at my massage therapist's office. Yes I said MY MASSAGE THERAPIST. lol. He needed help, I needed a summer job, seeing how I'm pretty much one myself, hey works for me. (Summer job... ah makes me feel like a kid again, lol) Then afterwards coming home to babysit the baby, gotta love him, then of course from M-F gym after the baby leaves, then the weekends with Pete. I'm never going to sleep! lol Well maybe at Pete's I will. hehe =)
Ah summer... Please, Please, I beg of you go slow as possible! I'm going to miss teaching but I don't want September to come that quickly nor do I want to start being a student again that quickly too. (Grad school starts then twice a week, joy).
Yep full circle, almost... Hello Summer 2008. =)
Saturday, June 14, 2008
No more talking
I'm done.
Talking that is.
What's the point really?
You're just going to sit there and stare, give an occasional nod
But are you listening?
No
I speak but you don't hear me
walking away, though telling me you care
I'm done
Talking.
Every time I try to say what I feel
what's on my mind,
why I get upset,
why I feel angry
why I feel lonely (at times)
meaningless to you
empty and hollow my voice
The echos linger for only me to follow
What's the point of that?
I already know what I've said.
That's why I'm done.
Shh.
Talking that is.
What's the point really?
You're just going to sit there and stare, give an occasional nod
But are you listening?
No
I speak but you don't hear me
walking away, though telling me you care
I'm done
Talking.
Every time I try to say what I feel
what's on my mind,
why I get upset,
why I feel angry
why I feel lonely (at times)
meaningless to you
empty and hollow my voice
The echos linger for only me to follow
What's the point of that?
I already know what I've said.
That's why I'm done.
Shh.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
So what to do?
What to write?
Those are the questions at hand. Currently, I am sitting here pondering away at life's wonders and disppointments. I'd come to the understanding that some things can come true and others can't. And what I believe to be real might just be better off written in a fantasy book and placed on the shelf for little girls to read. So I guess my real question is, where does the truth start and the fantasy end?
I miss growing up with such simple ideas and realizations. Even for my age they were always a head of their time. My sensitive then too was far greater then it is now. And by sensitivity, I mean my connections to things particularly nature. I was far more closer to that world then I am now. Perhaps it has something to do with being old and an "adult". I guess we can't see the things we use to see. Maybe it has to do with so much death around here, both in the literally and figurative sense. It truly is an end of an era as the Mayans say it's just a few years a head of schedule for our family.
I don't know. I have a feeling though that one day when I'm truly old and gray, my daughter is going to come across these writings and go "oh my god, my mother was nuts!" or better yet, feel better that she's not alone in this world. Who knows, maybe it's her who will be writing and using these words as inspiration. If not her, my son will. I don't think either one of my children will be blessed with any of the downfalls Pete and I share. Thankfully. I know that they will of course come to terms with certain issues some relatived to the ones Pete and I have gone through but I do feel in the end it will be my experiences that help them move pass the innate fear and peer pressure, and make them stronger. .... That could always be just the Di Marco in me talking. Gotta love us strong willed, front runner Sicilians. =P
I do have a few stories to tell that a part of me doesn't want my children knowing but I do know one day when it's time for them to know, they will learn the pieces that matter most to them. That their mother was a surivor. No matter what life throws at them, they too will be just like me and survive.
What to write?
Those are the questions at hand. Currently, I am sitting here pondering away at life's wonders and disppointments. I'd come to the understanding that some things can come true and others can't. And what I believe to be real might just be better off written in a fantasy book and placed on the shelf for little girls to read. So I guess my real question is, where does the truth start and the fantasy end?
I miss growing up with such simple ideas and realizations. Even for my age they were always a head of their time. My sensitive then too was far greater then it is now. And by sensitivity, I mean my connections to things particularly nature. I was far more closer to that world then I am now. Perhaps it has something to do with being old and an "adult". I guess we can't see the things we use to see. Maybe it has to do with so much death around here, both in the literally and figurative sense. It truly is an end of an era as the Mayans say it's just a few years a head of schedule for our family.
I don't know. I have a feeling though that one day when I'm truly old and gray, my daughter is going to come across these writings and go "oh my god, my mother was nuts!" or better yet, feel better that she's not alone in this world. Who knows, maybe it's her who will be writing and using these words as inspiration. If not her, my son will. I don't think either one of my children will be blessed with any of the downfalls Pete and I share. Thankfully. I know that they will of course come to terms with certain issues some relatived to the ones Pete and I have gone through but I do feel in the end it will be my experiences that help them move pass the innate fear and peer pressure, and make them stronger. .... That could always be just the Di Marco in me talking. Gotta love us strong willed, front runner Sicilians. =P
I do have a few stories to tell that a part of me doesn't want my children knowing but I do know one day when it's time for them to know, they will learn the pieces that matter most to them. That their mother was a surivor. No matter what life throws at them, they too will be just like me and survive.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Here but not
I'm here but I'm not.
I'm a part of a group, but I'm not.
I sit and listen to foreign tongues and every so often a native speaks to me.
Sometimes, they translate others they go on their own accord.
But I still feel separated and alone.
....... This is my daily life here. I come, I sit, I eat and I listen to the words I don't understand nor will I ever. No one tells me what is being said and no one bothers to speak in a tongue I can. I understand comfort but what about mine? How am I suppose to feel like I belong when I can't understand what is going on around me? I feel uncomfortable and I want to cry because I'm not connected to this family. When company is around, I'm the odd ball out not understanding anything being said. I'm not a part of this and I never will be. =(
I'm a part of a group, but I'm not.
I sit and listen to foreign tongues and every so often a native speaks to me.
Sometimes, they translate others they go on their own accord.
But I still feel separated and alone.
....... This is my daily life here. I come, I sit, I eat and I listen to the words I don't understand nor will I ever. No one tells me what is being said and no one bothers to speak in a tongue I can. I understand comfort but what about mine? How am I suppose to feel like I belong when I can't understand what is going on around me? I feel uncomfortable and I want to cry because I'm not connected to this family. When company is around, I'm the odd ball out not understanding anything being said. I'm not a part of this and I never will be. =(
Friday, May 9, 2008
Friends?
I feel like we're not any more. There are so many things going on that I'm no longer apart of. I try to be available, I try to be understanding but I feel like it's just me here. Our friendship seems to be null and void. I was cut out like the unwanted fat from a piece of meat, or tofu you decided was no longer good for you.
But is it just the scenary? Am I going into this too deep. A part of me says yes, but a part of me says no.
So, my only question left is, are we still friends?
But is it just the scenary? Am I going into this too deep. A part of me says yes, but a part of me says no.
So, my only question left is, are we still friends?
Monday, May 5, 2008
Today was a good day....
Well, today was a pretty good day. I worked with autistic students today which is always fun bc you can be playful and silly with them and not so serious as you have to be with the regular kids. I also got to chaperon a baseball game that we won, very cool... I made 104 for two hours of watching a game and having some of students "tease me" in front of the principal, who stuck up for me, lol.
When I came home I found out that the personnel office has been trying to get a hold of me. I guess they sent me a letter about something and since they had the wrong town it got sent back to them. They thought I moved, lol. But they didn't ask for me to call them back instead they are resending the letter. I'm hoping it's about the night school application I put in and hopefully it will say something along the lines of "thank you for your interest and we really appreciate it, if in the Fall we do entertain a night school program you will be on our list of teachers" =D I also applied for Regents Review so I hope it has something to do with that too (in a positive sense) If it's about both and it's not in the positive sense, it's ok. At least I can say I tried and next year I'll put in for it again and hope with two years of teaching experience under my belt that I'll get the position. =)
Oh well, either way I'm in a great mood today. I'm off to the gym to regain my mental state of getting in shape. A two hour long session is going to be rough today after not going for the past few days but I think I'll manage. =)
YaY Happy Days. =)
When I came home I found out that the personnel office has been trying to get a hold of me. I guess they sent me a letter about something and since they had the wrong town it got sent back to them. They thought I moved, lol. But they didn't ask for me to call them back instead they are resending the letter. I'm hoping it's about the night school application I put in and hopefully it will say something along the lines of "thank you for your interest and we really appreciate it, if in the Fall we do entertain a night school program you will be on our list of teachers" =D I also applied for Regents Review so I hope it has something to do with that too (in a positive sense) If it's about both and it's not in the positive sense, it's ok. At least I can say I tried and next year I'll put in for it again and hope with two years of teaching experience under my belt that I'll get the position. =)
Oh well, either way I'm in a great mood today. I'm off to the gym to regain my mental state of getting in shape. A two hour long session is going to be rough today after not going for the past few days but I think I'll manage. =)
YaY Happy Days. =)
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Happy 30th Birthday Jodie =)
Today was my sister's suprise birthday party and I must say it was a success! I actually surpised Jodie which is very, very hard to do. =P Yay!
Today was a good day. I'll post some photos of the day later on. Right now I'm goin to go check on my napping hubby. =P
Happy Birthday Jodie!!!!
Today was a good day. I'll post some photos of the day later on. Right now I'm goin to go check on my napping hubby. =P
Happy Birthday Jodie!!!!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Moving on...
Life has a way of moving on. No matter how hard you try to stop it, slow it down, even turn it around, it moves on.
So many of my friends are getting married, having babies, and moving away. Some make it feel as if they are moving away from me by their own choice, why? I feel lonely and afraid. And though I can do the whole "alone" thing pretty well, I am still terrified of it. But really, am I alone? Or has life just moved on with me digging my heals into the sand?
A month or so ago I was given a call that didn't help my mental state. It started out as "Well everything showed normal ....but....." and well, after the but let's just say I've been slowly trying to suppress it every since. And not only did I want to suppress it, I tried everything in my power to regain some form of balance in my life. I wanted to see my friends, the ones who helped me through the most hardest times in my life in hope they could bring me some sanity and inner joy, but only one heard my cry while others ignored it, chosen to or not, I'll probably never know.
How am I now though? Ok, I guess. I keep myself pretty busy in order to forget it and once my body and mind get tired of running away and physically making myself push harder to please every one around me, I become so increasingly cranky. I snap, I cry for no reason, I vent to myself and to nature because no one else has the time to hear me. No one else. I don't blame them though. Their lives have moved on past me. And I am soo PROUD of them in ways I wish I could only express to their faces but once again, life has made it impossible.
Gotta love life.
So many of my friends are getting married, having babies, and moving away. Some make it feel as if they are moving away from me by their own choice, why? I feel lonely and afraid. And though I can do the whole "alone" thing pretty well, I am still terrified of it. But really, am I alone? Or has life just moved on with me digging my heals into the sand?
A month or so ago I was given a call that didn't help my mental state. It started out as "Well everything showed normal ....but....." and well, after the but let's just say I've been slowly trying to suppress it every since. And not only did I want to suppress it, I tried everything in my power to regain some form of balance in my life. I wanted to see my friends, the ones who helped me through the most hardest times in my life in hope they could bring me some sanity and inner joy, but only one heard my cry while others ignored it, chosen to or not, I'll probably never know.
How am I now though? Ok, I guess. I keep myself pretty busy in order to forget it and once my body and mind get tired of running away and physically making myself push harder to please every one around me, I become so increasingly cranky. I snap, I cry for no reason, I vent to myself and to nature because no one else has the time to hear me. No one else. I don't blame them though. Their lives have moved on past me. And I am soo PROUD of them in ways I wish I could only express to their faces but once again, life has made it impossible.
Gotta love life.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sad
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m sad. I have all these things swimming inside my head and no where to pour them out. I feel abandon and lost. I’m scared and I want to collapse. I want to shed this body and start over again. Maybe then I’d get it right. Maybe then I won’t some how loose my friends, maybe then I can warn others so that their lives aren’t shorten. I only have so much life inside, only so much strength to fight. I’m loosing the battle. Holding on to whatever is left inside. The tears that stream down my face are ones of defeat. I am defeated. But there is no bottom to this black hole. There is nothing but a hollow emptiness from a life I cannot change.
Where to Begin, Where to Start?
I’m playing cat and mouse. Who am I?
I can be killer, a stalker, make some one else my prey. I can be skillful and charismatic. If I wanted to I could land on my two feet. If made to, I could survive.
I can also be timid. Unsure of which way to go. Make myself small enough to fit under any door, nook, or corner. I am a pacifist. I rather not deal and some what keep peace even if that means I have to run away.
Where to begin? Where to start?
I’m tired of cycles and circles alike. The metaphor makes no sense unless we are constantly coming back. We don’t. We leave these half useless bodies behind for others to bury and then? Some say Heaven, others say Hell, most say no where and the last say peace (hopefully). If we’re lucky, we could come back but not as ourselves but as flowers and plants or someone else in a different family, so what good is that? Where’s the circle now?
"We live in circles, if someone leaves it doesn’t mean they won’t come back some where else the circle touches" We live more like triangles and squares. Once you’ve gone too far, you’ve fallen off the path and the circle metaphor can no longer hold you. There are no colliding back lines, there is no transitional angles to fall back on. With our minds it is possible to go back, however life will forever push us forward.
Where to start? When to go?
Is it my time now? Can I go home? I’m tired and drained. I can barely see what is true or false any more. My young body is capable of moving on but my soul, my very old soul, is so very tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand what is going on. Tired of trying to figure out the truth behind people’s actions, and letting go of a past that used to mean so much. I have seen the future a multitude of times and though I know my path is right, what I’ll be lacking in the end I don’t want to face. If only I could go back and change things, but life has it’s quirky sense of humor: Take a glimpse into the future but never know if it is the one that is coming around the corner or ages later.
Life, I hate your jokes.
And with that sentiment, I will stay on my fence and try to decide if I am the one who hides or the one who stays and fights
I can be killer, a stalker, make some one else my prey. I can be skillful and charismatic. If I wanted to I could land on my two feet. If made to, I could survive.
I can also be timid. Unsure of which way to go. Make myself small enough to fit under any door, nook, or corner. I am a pacifist. I rather not deal and some what keep peace even if that means I have to run away.
Where to begin? Where to start?
I’m tired of cycles and circles alike. The metaphor makes no sense unless we are constantly coming back. We don’t. We leave these half useless bodies behind for others to bury and then? Some say Heaven, others say Hell, most say no where and the last say peace (hopefully). If we’re lucky, we could come back but not as ourselves but as flowers and plants or someone else in a different family, so what good is that? Where’s the circle now?
"We live in circles, if someone leaves it doesn’t mean they won’t come back some where else the circle touches" We live more like triangles and squares. Once you’ve gone too far, you’ve fallen off the path and the circle metaphor can no longer hold you. There are no colliding back lines, there is no transitional angles to fall back on. With our minds it is possible to go back, however life will forever push us forward.
Where to start? When to go?
Is it my time now? Can I go home? I’m tired and drained. I can barely see what is true or false any more. My young body is capable of moving on but my soul, my very old soul, is so very tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand what is going on. Tired of trying to figure out the truth behind people’s actions, and letting go of a past that used to mean so much. I have seen the future a multitude of times and though I know my path is right, what I’ll be lacking in the end I don’t want to face. If only I could go back and change things, but life has it’s quirky sense of humor: Take a glimpse into the future but never know if it is the one that is coming around the corner or ages later.
Life, I hate your jokes.
And with that sentiment, I will stay on my fence and try to decide if I am the one who hides or the one who stays and fights
Sunday, April 6, 2008
I don't know why
I'm sad and I don't know why.
I'm angry and I don't know why
I'm upset, cold, and alone, and I don't know why.
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Which neuron stopped firing that makes it so my feelings and emotions are so scattered? Am I crazy? I think I am.
I want to die. I want to crawl into a little ball and cry into a black oblivion. I want to just forget and be buried beneath my own betrayal of myself.
=(
I'm angry and I don't know why
I'm upset, cold, and alone, and I don't know why.
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Which neuron stopped firing that makes it so my feelings and emotions are so scattered? Am I crazy? I think I am.
I want to die. I want to crawl into a little ball and cry into a black oblivion. I want to just forget and be buried beneath my own betrayal of myself.
=(
Monday, March 24, 2008
Tired
I'm very tired lately. I don't know why. I just want a break from it all and just enjoy life. I have just one this time around and I would like finally enjoy it for all it's glory. So what do I do? First, start caring more about me and less about not caring. I have to realize the truth that my body I have now will be the last body I have for a long time and if I want to look like how I am suppose to look I need to start now and not just wait and putting it off. I need to start now. Not in a few days times.
I have the strength and the capacity to do it. Why don't I? I don't know. I want it, I want it so bad but something keeps making it that I don't. What is holding me back? Why can't I just do what I'm capable of. Proving that my actions are as strong as my words. I have what I want at this point in my life. All I need is the health to go forward and the pride that I did this myself.
I have the strength and the capacity to do it. Why don't I? I don't know. I want it, I want it so bad but something keeps making it that I don't. What is holding me back? Why can't I just do what I'm capable of. Proving that my actions are as strong as my words. I have what I want at this point in my life. All I need is the health to go forward and the pride that I did this myself.
1st love
For all the lies you ever told me,
For all the tears you ever caused,
For all the nights left so lonely,
For all the days left waiting.
You were my first, and my long forgotten one.
You were the one who stole my heart, the one who in ever aspect was false.
You had the look, you had the hair, you had the attidude, the hands.
but...
you weren't him.
I thought it was you in my dreams,
I thought it was you who was holding me tight
with your arms that felt so right.
But it was all nothing but a lie.
I shouldn've waited, should've realized then that I was mistaken
you were only a mere reflection of resemblence of him.
And how do I know?
Because I have found him and I've never once compared him to you.
For all the tears you ever caused,
For all the nights left so lonely,
For all the days left waiting.
You were my first, and my long forgotten one.
You were the one who stole my heart, the one who in ever aspect was false.
You had the look, you had the hair, you had the attidude, the hands.
but...
you weren't him.
I thought it was you in my dreams,
I thought it was you who was holding me tight
with your arms that felt so right.
But it was all nothing but a lie.
I shouldn've waited, should've realized then that I was mistaken
you were only a mere reflection of resemblence of him.
And how do I know?
Because I have found him and I've never once compared him to you.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Sick =(
Well I had this entire week off and how did I spend it? Sick. First I had a sore throat and that has gone away almost completely though I still feel tired. Now, though, I have a stomach bug now. I can barely keep my ginger ale down and I don't mean it's coming back puking either.... ewww... so that is fun. I think it's a combination of what was left in my system from the Alli program I was on just prior to when I got sick. I guess it was still in my system I didn't know it but now it's reeking havoc on my digestive system and well making me go to the bathroom a lot! I guess in a way it's good but still I'm not liking the fact that I'm afraid to get out of bed. I just hope this goes away by Monday morning (that's when school starts again).
blah
blah
I'm losing my friends and I don't know why
I'm losing my friends, and I don't know why.
They were here a second ago,
and now,
now, I don't know where they are.
I'm laying here alone in my room wondering where was it that I went wrong
When did I make the mistake that made them go away?
When did I decide to be alone? Captive in this room away from the world?
I don't remember choosing, I don't remember anything.
Where should I go from here? What should I do?
I wish I had my friends back to guide me, to bring back security.
They were here a second ago,
and now,
now, I don't know where they are.
I'm laying here alone in my room wondering where was it that I went wrong
When did I make the mistake that made them go away?
When did I decide to be alone? Captive in this room away from the world?
I don't remember choosing, I don't remember anything.
Where should I go from here? What should I do?
I wish I had my friends back to guide me, to bring back security.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
People Suck
As I sit here watching one of my favorite movies, I find myself not being able to enjoy it as much as I normally do. Why? Well, for many reasons. One, in the midst of taking a nap, I get screamed at to wake up. For dinner, every thing is my favorite but I cannot eat a thing because I gave it up for lent, and yet they tell me to eat. I go away to get a way, I play on my computer, I turn off my computer and I get yelled at for doing it. I snap back because there is no reason to be snapped at and I feel as if I am forced to starve because though people did try, it is still lent and no one listens to me. So, in simple terms I'm cranky and I don't like being treated the way I was in the past few hours of my life. People just simply in no other better expression, suck.
Friday, January 25, 2008
The Most Extreme.....
.....outrageous flirt.... gotta love animal planet. =)
Hmm, what is there to report, other than I'm just plain old sick? Well, school is going well. ELA's for the time being are over, thank goodness, and the detention room isn't as full. I have been staying every day these past few weeks so that means I've made an extra 250, not bad for being able to sit and read really for an hour and twenty minutes. =) Gotta love the world of education, lol.
So, I haven't posted anything about the gym as I said I would, and well the reason for that is simple. I haven't gone. I know, I need to go. Between the weather and me getting sick, I can barely move once I'm home. But the weather is getting better and I'm feeling like my old self with just a stuffy noise, =P
There really isn't too much else to report, I'm really just waiting for my old meds to kick and knock me out. Any one else excited that tomorrow is Saturday?? I know not getting up at 6am will be a beautiful thing! =D
good-night
ps
the most extreme flirt goes out to the African Elephant =P
Hmm, what is there to report, other than I'm just plain old sick? Well, school is going well. ELA's for the time being are over, thank goodness, and the detention room isn't as full. I have been staying every day these past few weeks so that means I've made an extra 250, not bad for being able to sit and read really for an hour and twenty minutes. =) Gotta love the world of education, lol.
So, I haven't posted anything about the gym as I said I would, and well the reason for that is simple. I haven't gone. I know, I need to go. Between the weather and me getting sick, I can barely move once I'm home. But the weather is getting better and I'm feeling like my old self with just a stuffy noise, =P
There really isn't too much else to report, I'm really just waiting for my old meds to kick and knock me out. Any one else excited that tomorrow is Saturday?? I know not getting up at 6am will be a beautiful thing! =D
good-night
ps
the most extreme flirt goes out to the African Elephant =P
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
What to say...
Today has been a gloomy kind of day. I didn't do too much at work but I did feel out of it. When I came home I wanted to go to the gym since I haven't gone in few days and I wanna get back into the swing of things, especially after I told Pete's mom I was going too (she's using me to motivate herself, i guess), but the weather just made me feel crappy and thus I stood home. Now I'm sitting here feeling like crap and I just want to go to sleep and screw my night shower and take it in the morning. I can't do that though as I know I won't do it in the morning because I'll want to sleep.
Bah... what to do, what to do.
Maybe tomorrow I'll get to do what I want....ya.....
=)
Bah... what to do, what to do.
Maybe tomorrow I'll get to do what I want....ya.....
=)
Monday, January 21, 2008
Why Stay?
So this is my question. If you are taken out of a life to the point you are only welcomed as an outsider, why would you stay around? Wouldn't bother you in the least to know that what was will never be again? That no matter how much time passes you will forever be an outsider?
Perhaps it's because I've been on the other side of the looking glass to some extent that I cannot help but wonder what is wrong with today's society? Why would someone want to stay on the outskirts of existence in order to relish in something that is fleeting? Isn't that there a point where you just walk away and just hope for the best?
I really just don't understand, and I really hope the truth sets in soon and I no longer need to tip toe a long my own perimeter.
Perhaps it's because I've been on the other side of the looking glass to some extent that I cannot help but wonder what is wrong with today's society? Why would someone want to stay on the outskirts of existence in order to relish in something that is fleeting? Isn't that there a point where you just walk away and just hope for the best?
I really just don't understand, and I really hope the truth sets in soon and I no longer need to tip toe a long my own perimeter.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
What's there to say...
Today has been a rough day. The past few days has been but today was an explosion of frustrations and anxiety. Thanfully the storm has passed and what will be now is something closer and more meaninful then life has been before.
I hate fighting with people and in the past few days that's all that seems to be going on. I don't know how to stop it or how to get away from it. If I ignore it, then I get harassed about it or it just continues to bottle up until I'm about to explode, and I don't want to explode. I want to stop my chest pains and I want to go back to being me and having the life I use to have to an extent.
I dunno. It all feels like melodrama and each day I live in a soap opera. How does one escape that? =(
I hate fighting with people and in the past few days that's all that seems to be going on. I don't know how to stop it or how to get away from it. If I ignore it, then I get harassed about it or it just continues to bottle up until I'm about to explode, and I don't want to explode. I want to stop my chest pains and I want to go back to being me and having the life I use to have to an extent.
I dunno. It all feels like melodrama and each day I live in a soap opera. How does one escape that? =(
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Nonsense
Today has been filled with nonsense. First, I found out that they are still going to take out this month's payment for my student loan which blows. So that means I have no money at all for this weekend which sucks bc I wanted to see Cassie finally! And actually go out with my friend and have a few drinks and get to dance and just have fun. God I miss fun! I miss going out and not being annoyed practically every other second and being forced to feel like I'm five. I'm tired of being a bum! You know the only reason I kept out all that weight for so long was because I was active and I would go out dancing and I would leave the comforts of my home or any one's home for that matter and DO SOMETHING! Such BULL!
The second thing is that I had to have reality smack me in the face that for as long as I have this body I will have to deal with whom ever I'm with to constantly look in other directions. I can't believe this shit. I sometimes wish I was a complete hermit and no one knew me but my students and my co-workers and outside of work and I was me and did not have to worry about others looking in different directions and with my discovery of such nonsense making me feel like I have no self-worth at all. That I'm not attractive and that I cannot keep a man's interest longer then a second because I'm some easy chase because well look at me, I'm not hard to chase.
NO MORE! You want me? You have to work to have me and to keep me! I'm so tired of this. I'm twenty-four years old, I'd have two long ass relationships having the same ass complications and now I'm on my third one and it all seems ridiculously all the same, and I'm so tired of it.
The second thing is that I had to have reality smack me in the face that for as long as I have this body I will have to deal with whom ever I'm with to constantly look in other directions. I can't believe this shit. I sometimes wish I was a complete hermit and no one knew me but my students and my co-workers and outside of work and I was me and did not have to worry about others looking in different directions and with my discovery of such nonsense making me feel like I have no self-worth at all. That I'm not attractive and that I cannot keep a man's interest longer then a second because I'm some easy chase because well look at me, I'm not hard to chase.
NO MORE! You want me? You have to work to have me and to keep me! I'm so tired of this. I'm twenty-four years old, I'd have two long ass relationships having the same ass complications and now I'm on my third one and it all seems ridiculously all the same, and I'm so tired of it.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
The Gym
So I was reading my old blogs on here and I've discovered that I have had this membership since September. Here I thought I had it longer. Maybe it just felt longer bc I feel bad that I haven't been going twenty-four seven like I was suppose to be doing. I was doing good in the beginning but working two jobs there for a while was killing. Then all this random stuff started to happen and we all know how that goes. But starting this week I've been really good. I went yesterday as I said in my last blog for about twenty-five minutes. Five minutes of stretching, ten minutes of the elliptical machine and five on the bike concluding with stretching.
Today, I stretched for a couple of minutes before hand, warmed up on the bike or twenty minutes ( I brought my book so twenty minutes went by fast) then did the elliptical machine for another twenty and then stretched a bit after. After 4o minutes pretty much (not including cool downs) I did 5.2 miles of cardio. =) Not bad for a second day run. =)
I did cheat though day by having a Starbucks and some KFC, I wanted one last bite of the worst food for you that I haven't had in the longest time before I say "buh bye for now". lol.
As I had written before, I'm concerned that it'll be harder for me to loose the weight this time or even go further then before. So I decided what I'm going to do is document what I do at the gym here as a way to boast I guess you can say about what I have done. And I don't mean boasting as in "I'm better then you!" but more in the way, "this is what I've accomplished, go me". I always tell Pete what I've done afterwards and it feels great telling him because I know he is proud of me. I also have been doing some research on the diet pill Ally. Now, when I was younger I won't deny I began with diet pills and ended with doing what was healthy. According to my research though Ally is one of the best things out there in terms of diet help and control. My major problem is that I get hungry at night and that stems from having night classes all last spring plus the insomnia I was suffering from over the summer didn't help either. Thus the major weight gain. I even joined a gym at school during the spring but no avail because I never had time to go. As I said before school for me that wasn't home gave me no real motivation. Plus the gym was far and I didn't feel like going out in the cold... lol... gotta love Geneseo. =P
So tomorrow, my goal is this: 20 minute bike, 20 minute elliptical and a 10 minute cool down on the trend mill. I'm going to follow it up with some stretching and basic leg lifts to help with the old buttocks. When I work out every day I like to make one day full of cardio and one a mix of cardio and toning, so MWF will be the cardio and Tuesday/Thursday the mixture. I also plan on afterwards purchasing some Ally at Walmart as it's in the same shopping center as the gym. I've said this stuff a million times before but since I've been doing it on my own the best few days I feel that it's real thing this time. Maybe it's the fact I miss my size 11 ass or my big's wedding coming up in May or the fact I really wanna go to Spring Weekend at Geneseo and look amazing! Or just the fact I want Pete to jump me like he use to the first time we met except this time know why his body ached for me.. lol.
Maybe it's a mixture of all these things. All I know is that 2008 has already shown to be a very promising year =D
Today, I stretched for a couple of minutes before hand, warmed up on the bike or twenty minutes ( I brought my book so twenty minutes went by fast) then did the elliptical machine for another twenty and then stretched a bit after. After 4o minutes pretty much (not including cool downs) I did 5.2 miles of cardio. =) Not bad for a second day run. =)
I did cheat though day by having a Starbucks and some KFC, I wanted one last bite of the worst food for you that I haven't had in the longest time before I say "buh bye for now". lol.
As I had written before, I'm concerned that it'll be harder for me to loose the weight this time or even go further then before. So I decided what I'm going to do is document what I do at the gym here as a way to boast I guess you can say about what I have done. And I don't mean boasting as in "I'm better then you!" but more in the way, "this is what I've accomplished, go me". I always tell Pete what I've done afterwards and it feels great telling him because I know he is proud of me. I also have been doing some research on the diet pill Ally. Now, when I was younger I won't deny I began with diet pills and ended with doing what was healthy. According to my research though Ally is one of the best things out there in terms of diet help and control. My major problem is that I get hungry at night and that stems from having night classes all last spring plus the insomnia I was suffering from over the summer didn't help either. Thus the major weight gain. I even joined a gym at school during the spring but no avail because I never had time to go. As I said before school for me that wasn't home gave me no real motivation. Plus the gym was far and I didn't feel like going out in the cold... lol... gotta love Geneseo. =P
So tomorrow, my goal is this: 20 minute bike, 20 minute elliptical and a 10 minute cool down on the trend mill. I'm going to follow it up with some stretching and basic leg lifts to help with the old buttocks. When I work out every day I like to make one day full of cardio and one a mix of cardio and toning, so MWF will be the cardio and Tuesday/Thursday the mixture. I also plan on afterwards purchasing some Ally at Walmart as it's in the same shopping center as the gym. I've said this stuff a million times before but since I've been doing it on my own the best few days I feel that it's real thing this time. Maybe it's the fact I miss my size 11 ass or my big's wedding coming up in May or the fact I really wanna go to Spring Weekend at Geneseo and look amazing! Or just the fact I want Pete to jump me like he use to the first time we met except this time know why his body ached for me.. lol.
Maybe it's a mixture of all these things. All I know is that 2008 has already shown to be a very promising year =D
School Time Fun
Right now I'm within a classroom where I'm not really needed but it is nice to look in for a change instead of trying to figure something out. I give these teachers I'm looking in on some much credit. As a teacher, I can sympathize with them but I could never do what they do and have the patients to do so, at least not to do it every day. I'm glad that there are people like these teachers and aids in the school programs. There are amazing to say the least!
___________
So how is 2008 thus far?
Well, thus far I cannot believe the load I gained from 2007 - about 50lbs worth! My goal is to be back to normal by my quarter of a century birthday (or at least half way there). I started going to planet fitness again after school this time. So far so good. I started all over again so I'm working it up slowly with 20 minutes of cardio and 5 minutes of stretching. At my peak I was doing about 35 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of weight training with 10 minutes of stretching. God I miss my high school years! lol. I found a set of my pants from then I couldn't believe how small I was. I found a pair from only a few months ago and I couldn't believe how small I was, lol. Well, as with every year I try to go back to my glory days but I think this time around I'll actually accomplish it. Being home gives me ten times more focus then being away ever did and now feeling more secure in my job and money situation, I don't mind spending the gas to get to the gym though I still wish that the school had the gym open. It took me 8 years ago to loose this weight in 8 months and I kept it off for close to 7 years. I'm thinking because I am older now and starting at a later time frame by April I should be at least a quarter of my goal and by summer (June) I should be about half. If I get really focus and do it every day like I did all those years ago it should work out to be that way.
So what's my goal? My goal is to get rid of the 50lbs gained first off and I'm hoping that I'll be able to get past my plateau of 145. I've seen the scale get to 140 but only for a few days and then it always went back up to 150 though my body still became thinner. Muscle weighs more then fat and all that jazz but I really want to stay at 140 or go below it for a change. I'd also like to be the skinny one in the relationship too, lol. I feel bad though for Peter if my wants become a reality, he'll have to keep boys from checking me out just as my 1st boyfriend use to during the glory years. It'll be nice though between us getting checked out again. It's a nice esteem booster when that happens. It's innocent and I never acknowledge it when I notice but it makes me feel good and it I like knowing that Peter has something that other people want. I know that sounds weird but it's true. According to psychology, this time of want/need is a form of self worth. Granted I have a bunch when I want to but physically I miss having it.
___________
What else?
Hmm.... nothing really. I was accepted in Long Island University and I'll be starting classes in May and I'll be majoring in Literacy Specialist. I've talked to a few people about it and some like their classes others are like "no way" but either way I think it'll help me in the long run. I also was able to defer my loans for a bit so until everything becomes official I'll be able to save $250 a month from my pay. In March I'll declare a student deferment so I don't have to worry about the interest rate going up. =)
After I finish up my literacy and complete two years of teaching I'll have my professional certification since this year counts towards my three years of employment. I'm definitely going to go for my administrator's degree too. That'll help with the additional time I need after I receive my professional certification plus it'll boost my salary from roughly 70,000 a year to about 120,000 a year in my district (when the time comes). For now though, having a certification in both English 7-12 and Literacy K-6 will give me enough in my goody bag for the time being.
Happy Days..... =)
Ok, well I hate to end this poorly but the bell is about to ring and I have to get some lunch. Yay to a two period break... gotta love school =)
___________
So how is 2008 thus far?
Well, thus far I cannot believe the load I gained from 2007 - about 50lbs worth! My goal is to be back to normal by my quarter of a century birthday (or at least half way there). I started going to planet fitness again after school this time. So far so good. I started all over again so I'm working it up slowly with 20 minutes of cardio and 5 minutes of stretching. At my peak I was doing about 35 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of weight training with 10 minutes of stretching. God I miss my high school years! lol. I found a set of my pants from then I couldn't believe how small I was. I found a pair from only a few months ago and I couldn't believe how small I was, lol. Well, as with every year I try to go back to my glory days but I think this time around I'll actually accomplish it. Being home gives me ten times more focus then being away ever did and now feeling more secure in my job and money situation, I don't mind spending the gas to get to the gym though I still wish that the school had the gym open. It took me 8 years ago to loose this weight in 8 months and I kept it off for close to 7 years. I'm thinking because I am older now and starting at a later time frame by April I should be at least a quarter of my goal and by summer (June) I should be about half. If I get really focus and do it every day like I did all those years ago it should work out to be that way.
So what's my goal? My goal is to get rid of the 50lbs gained first off and I'm hoping that I'll be able to get past my plateau of 145. I've seen the scale get to 140 but only for a few days and then it always went back up to 150 though my body still became thinner. Muscle weighs more then fat and all that jazz but I really want to stay at 140 or go below it for a change. I'd also like to be the skinny one in the relationship too, lol. I feel bad though for Peter if my wants become a reality, he'll have to keep boys from checking me out just as my 1st boyfriend use to during the glory years. It'll be nice though between us getting checked out again. It's a nice esteem booster when that happens. It's innocent and I never acknowledge it when I notice but it makes me feel good and it I like knowing that Peter has something that other people want. I know that sounds weird but it's true. According to psychology, this time of want/need is a form of self worth. Granted I have a bunch when I want to but physically I miss having it.
___________
What else?
Hmm.... nothing really. I was accepted in Long Island University and I'll be starting classes in May and I'll be majoring in Literacy Specialist. I've talked to a few people about it and some like their classes others are like "no way" but either way I think it'll help me in the long run. I also was able to defer my loans for a bit so until everything becomes official I'll be able to save $250 a month from my pay. In March I'll declare a student deferment so I don't have to worry about the interest rate going up. =)
After I finish up my literacy and complete two years of teaching I'll have my professional certification since this year counts towards my three years of employment. I'm definitely going to go for my administrator's degree too. That'll help with the additional time I need after I receive my professional certification plus it'll boost my salary from roughly 70,000 a year to about 120,000 a year in my district (when the time comes). For now though, having a certification in both English 7-12 and Literacy K-6 will give me enough in my goody bag for the time being.
Happy Days..... =)
Ok, well I hate to end this poorly but the bell is about to ring and I have to get some lunch. Yay to a two period break... gotta love school =)
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
New Year
Last year in 2006, I was fortunate enough to be meet a man who completes me in every sense of the word. We have our ups and downs as most do but what makes this a special connection is that through it all we both can overlook it and the love we share for each other is still very much alive in our eyes.
I love this man so very much and even my whole family does. My only wish when it comes to him and my family is that he would had gotten the chance to meet those who are no longer with us. I have my dreams but I don't think I can take him with me to find out if they would love him as much as the baby does. The baby being my sister's son who is the spitting image of Di Marco's with all the joy and humor of the Sautte's. If I use the baby as a guide then I think my family has decided that it's him they choose.
When I was small, about 4 or 5 years old, I decided then I knew what I wanted in my life. I wanted a family like mine with relatives all over the place who randomly stop by and love that fills a true Italian home. And with thoughts how to make this so for my family to give them what I did have, I wanted to be exactly like me. And for that I knew I was going to be with a Sicilian man so that way my kids would literally be me - 1/2 sicilian, 1/4 napeledon, and 1/4 calaprese.
Thankfully Peiro is such a man and so his family. And the best thing of all, him and his family bring back the old ways of language to the table. Which I have always missed.
2006 brought so many promises, it brought us baby for the family, and another new addition to my life, Peiro.
2007 proved that I am more then what meets the eyes on various levels and our family is strengthening
2008 will be seen as a new year of hopes and dreams and all the joys that a new year promises...
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